I bet she has a lot of resentment about the move and her quitting her job. Especially if she thinks that you made the decision to move unilaterally. I'm not saying she is right, I'm just saying she probably blames you for the move.
Perhaps it is time to tell her parents and his about the affair. They may be able to apply some pressure on her to do the right thing and work on her marriage. If not, at least they will know the truth about what is going on in your marriage.
No you don't need to be feeble at all. Tell her exactly what she needs to do to come home. End her affair. Perhaps go to marriage counseling. If she thinks that you will hold this over her for the rest of her life she will be very reluctant to end the affair. You need to enticed her back and I know that it sucks that you have to do it. But you do for now.
Finally, you would be surprised about how little someone in an affair actually thinks about their spouse. She isn't doing this to disrespect you or the marriage. She is doing it because she is addicted to his affection. It really has little to do with you.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
