I asked her to choose to end the EA by Nov 27 (our 16th anniversary). I feel I can't be married to someone who is in an affair. I told her if she cannot choose to end the affair, I will choose to divorce. She took that as a major threat and hired a L. So now we have L's and are going to do a mediation on the way to D.
Now the new thoughts and questions.
We plan to have a D mediation sometime in the next few weeks. I want to be reasonable, but I can't be a doormat about the EA/PA.
I wonder if I should have my L file for D without the mediation. It will cost more, but I don't care.
I want her to clearly see that the continuing EA/PA is out of bounds. Of course, after the D is final, there is no more EA/PA because there is no more M.
You should never lay out a boundary unless you are prepared to follow thru with your consequences for crossing it.
Your boundaries of personal integrity should be few, and they should indeed be your "dealbreakers" -- those things that, if things were to blow up, you would say, honestly "Well, I couldn't have lived with that anyway -- that is not Who I Am."
PDT you are very wise. Thank you. I am prepared to just file for D on my own as I said I would. I just emailed my L asking for a meeting on Monday to prepare and file D papers.
WAW's continuing affair IS a deal breaker.
I will continue to be pleasant to WAW in our business dealings while getting the D papers stick drawn up. This feels like the best way to DB at this time.
She really was smug when she told me she hired a L in response to me asking her to end her affair. I can't determine who is giving her such poor advice. It is either OM or her Mother the Enabler (who is funding her WAW life now).
It's hard to believe how similar are the words (e.g., better for the kids, ILYBINILWY, etc.) others in this forum have heard from their LBS's I also heard from my WAW.
Well, you never know what can happen. Leave a little door in your heart ajar, and treat her with grace and compassion on your way out. It will serve you well if the two of you should ever reconcile.
Quitting a tenured position is a very big deal. Did she want this move or was in your idea?
Who knows about this affair? Have you exposed it to anyone?
You need to be very firm about the affair, but you also have to offer her a soft place to land if you expect her to come home. This will take time. A lot probably.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
The move was initially my idea because the job was such a better position and the location is ideal for our family's interests. My recollection is that we discussed it and jointly decided to make the move because it was in the family's best interests. Her recollection now is that I alone decided.
We decided early in our marriage that my career was first because I earn so much more money. she stayed home and half-time taught to be with our boys for 6 years.
She is an extraordinary teacher. Now I'm thinking she wasn't hired full-time because Mgt. knew about her EA which started at the school where she subbed last year. The EA/PA is an open secret at the school now.
Many people know about the affair. Our family friends, my close friends, our pastor, our previous pastor, some of her friends must know. However, she omitted the affair when telling her family and some friends about her separation.
I will continue to be very cordial and keep to business about our S7 and S4 when talking to her.
I am willing to give time, but I cannot be married to someone in an affair.
I would love to make sure she knows she has a welcoming, soft place to land. Ideas for how to say it without appearing feeble?
I believe the preparing and filing step will really point out that I will do what I say. Her EA/PA is really about disrespect for me and for our marriage.
I will be cordial and stick to business but will remain firm about the sanctity of our marriage.
