ssmguy said: So she doesn't even want other people, not even her doctor, to know we have a sexless marriage.
Then here is your tool, man. She doesn't want other people to "know". This might actually cause her to CHANGE if they DID know. Sure it would be embarassing, who cares? She is afraid of embarassment, so use it to your benefit.
How?
Like I said in my above post, when she goes hysterical on you again, you say "listen you are making me worried for your psychiatric state...I'm going to call your (mother, sister, female best friend, whoever you think would embarass her to know) to come get you and be with you so you can calm down."
She will immediately stop her antics at that point because she doesn't "want anyone to know about your sexless marriage".
Another way to use the embarassment to your benefit is to mention your sexless marriage in a joking way in front of her to friends when the opportunity arises.
Such as, dinner party with friends, husband X mentions something about sex or about a sexy movie he's recently seen, and you say "well, I can't really comment as I haven't had sex in so long I can barely remember it!"
She's going to turn red, maybe start a fight later, tell you that you've ruined your chances at sex ever again, and blah blah blah. Then you use this as your opportunity to say: "I'm not going to hide this any longer. I'm on a mission to seek out help for our ssm and I stated my truth at that moment. Who cares if other people know we are sexless? Its better than them thinking a lie about it, isn't it?"
She will scoff, sulk, balk....but once she realizes you are serious and you aren't going to just pretend this isn't happening she will start changing.
The only real problem in your situation is that you've let it go on too long by letting her bully you into shutting up about it, to her or to anyone else.
I have another suggestion for you here, which is individual counseling. Find a male counselor who specializes in helping people cope with major life transitions (such as divorce) and start talking through the pros and cons of staying and accepting (and being celibate) or leaving and beginning your new life. Tell your wife this is why you are going to counseling, this is what you are going to discuss. Tell her that you plan to be open about the issues, including her issues.
This alone might make her more willing to discuss this again.
Ssmguy, I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but your wife is not stating her truth when she is being hysterical, nor when she claims to not need/want sex. She actually does need it and want it, she just doesn't know that yet. She will know it when the following occurs:
1. You make it clear to her that you will leave eventually if things don't change.
2. Some time goes by while she contemplates the horrible outcome of divorce, and she begins to soften up and be more open to changing.
3. You go through some serious hard work, but some of it will be fun (like sexual exerices together, which by then she will be willing to do).
4. She begins to become more and more open to her body and the pleasures that are possible within it.
5. You keep your end of the bargain, remain faithful (but not celibate at this point) and keep working with her while still maintaining that half way isn't good enough.
6. She sees that you are serious and she will THEN FINALLY begin to understand how much you love her and want to have a healthy sex life with her...finally she will realize this is good and healthy and what you have been asking for all along, and the more she experiences this the more she is open to it.
7. When you make it this far, sex will become more regular (if YOU don't drop the ball) and more enjoyable for her. She will begin to find her OWN sexual center within herself and it will start calling out to her body to get more sexual attention from you.
Right now, she is hiding behind a fear response to sex that she developed for a good reason (past sex abuse) but this fear response is no longer valuable to her, and is in fact inhibiting her from healing. She will eventually read this in books, or you two will explore this idea together and discuss it...without hysterics and without fighting. She will then one day realize just how much of an injustice it was to punish YOU for what her abuser has done for all these years. When she gets to that point, she will be filled with regret for those lost years.
