First time poster feeling a bit lost

[sandi2]

Ahhhh......no problem. I figured it out.

[MT21]

Small update.

I did not ask at all about MIL and FIL talks with W.
I know their opinion so no update from W, means the same or shes thinking.

Tonight, she cooked the dinner, we talked a lot. No R, just chit chat, and laughed some, once till our sides hurt.
Its funny I have no expectations from any exchange that we may have, I have kind of resigned myself to the worst case scenario so everything else is a plus. Its feels comfortable.

some significant things tonight, or at least different to earlier weeks behavior.

W saw me with new jeans on, she smiled and said they look real nice on you... (Huh???)
She stood and talked to me briefly when she was partially clothed... she hasn't changed or anything in front of me since the bomb.


It may mean nothing... but all the same it is different.

Anyone??

MT

[MT21]

Getting stronger everyday now.. Really up for Saturday.. Confidence is almost at a high.

Bought some new clothes today, to fit my smaller frame.

This evening we went to one of the children's christmas concerts, W told me that I looked really smart and in fact 5 years younger. (It took me by surprise)

Is she starting to notice? or is she just happy that I am moving on and its less of her burden for her?

No R talk, No physical contact but plenty of smaller compliments and still a feeling of being more comfortable for me at least.

I know this is going to be a long game..I am probably going to drive my self crazy..

MT

[Wonderful!]

I am right there with you. Maybe the best she can do right now is not be out. Also, notice that she has not left. I appreciate this is a hard position as I have occuppied it for a couple of months. Of course, some here have been in limbo much longer. The best advise I can give you is to keep up the good GAL work. My feeling is those are positive changes that you get to keep no matter what the outcome. This is understandably cold comfort right now, but in the long run, no matter what the outcome, the changes you are making will serve you well.

I find it is hard to be alone doing the evening routine with the kids alone. In my sitch, my W works a few night each week. This is probobly stuff that you and your wife did together, so her absense during this time is probobly most palpable. It has been for me. First, cherish the time with the kids. Second, start a project after they go to bed to occupy your mind.

[MT21]

Thanks wonderful,

Me and the W do stay up together and watch TV talk etc.. but then she goes to spare room, me to our marital bed, so no fighting, No crossed words now unless R comes up the it can get uncomfortable I sense some irritation in her voice.

Its funny its so comfortable that tonight I nearly gave her a hug and kiss goodnight. I really want to say to her, ok you made your point, your not moving out or making other plans so can we just make up for now and sort out each one of issues, one at a time.

This will obviously not happen, so I just remind myself..
nothings changed carry on as you are. Improve and get stronger.. so far so good.

Its a strange existence..

MT

[MT21]

Today I took a day for myself. No painting, house work just a relaxing day for me.

Shopping, Lunch at an italian cafe/restaurant, swim and steam afternoon coffee and a good book.

I really enjoyed.. it's the first day in a long time that I have been completely selfish.
But now I have sat down at home and thought back its also been real lonely..I am really not good by myself..

I dont think I'll ever get used to this feeling..I am designed to married to my wife..

The smoking thing is also proving difficult today and I am quite irritable, but I still havent caved in, still no drinking and I've lost 16lbs.

Yes a day for me... nice in one way but probably one of my hardest especially with tomorrow nights dinner looming.. (and the potential of yet more bombs)

Man this is tough

MT

[sandi2]

You need to stop making your evenings all about her and show her that you are "unavailable". Get dressed really sharp looking and act like you are happy about where you are going and what you are going to be doing.....or who you will be with. She will ask you what you are planning or where you're going, but if you will tell her, "Oh, no place in particular" then that will peek her curiosity and she'll start to wonder what you're up to. This is not to cause her to distrust you, but to make her realize that she is placing you on the single's market if she leaves you......and she'll doubt herself about really wanting to do that. You are not to lie to her, but be vague in how you answer her.....thereby being mysterious! It works, I promise. I told one man to tell his W that he was going out for ice cream (one of my favorite things to say) and for him to do that very thing. They had gone to bed when he jumps up & gets dressed. She asked him what on earth he was doing and he told her he had to leave to get some ice cream. He comes back later (not too soon, but later) and goes back to bed. Long story short....they are together today! It works.

[MT21]

Thanks Sandii,

So jealousy is the Key?

We really dont go out in the evening, its very infrequent so this would be completely out of the blue for me...Will it make matters worse? (she then thinks I am having an A?, thats not what I want to portray. Im sure youre right but I am concerned at her reaction)

Anyway, contrary to everything Ive been told...

I probably did a really bad thing tonight.

We had dinner at home and the R thing came up, it got really really deep... Very calm but deep.

In a nutshell she told me that she doesnt know the reason she feels like she feels. She does however feel under constant pressure from the situation, her parents and their views, what about the children, work/promotion etc...

I told her that she should not feel guilty about breaking the news to me, a marriage is made up of two people and it took courage for her to put up her hand at say things arent right, and now I have time to reflect that I also agree,
I am closely looking at her in a new light.

"I have been in a coma for a while and failed to recognize the situation, but I am wide awake now."

I told her that it was not hers or my fault as individuals but rather it was about the amount of effort we had put into our marriage as a couple.

She told me that she can not see us together, and that she knows that it was I want, she can only deal with straightening the house out, talking more and being friends.(the R is to much for her to think about)

I told her that I would also like to be friends and get to know each other again, and try to save our marriage, not plaster the cracks but work together. ( after 15 years together I could not put my hand on my heart and say that we tried everything to honour our vows, she did not disagree)

But I also explained that I understood the way she was feeling right now.. or at least was trying to. And that I had no crystal ball to see if we could rebuild. But I also told her that I was not prepared to get the R back at all costs, I told her that I was also not willing to commit the rest of my life to someone that didnt love me.

I said I was feeling good about myself, and was taking charge of MY life. (which she could be part of, but not on the current terms)
I set some boundaries that I expected honesty and transparency if we were to stand any chance of friendship, so no hidden purchases, No hidden texts or other agenda's and to share the things we did on a daily basis.
She agreed.

(difficult to impose a penalty for non compliance, other than I would not fix up the house and invest my time, money, energy and even love into redecorating just for the house to be sold, I need some commitment from her that she is also willing and prepared to put effort into the R/Friendship(stage 1), If not I would sell it now at a loss and have done).

Anyway although the situation or her feeling haven't changed I felt very much in control I spoke calmly and composed no raised voice, she however was not with more crying than I have ever seen her do.. and she wanted me to hug and comfort her. I feel like I have the power or at least the start of it.

Did I do a bad thing here?

Feedback?

MT

[MT21]

Forgot this bit,

After telling her that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with someone that did not love me. She said" I never said I didnt love you" " I do love you and care very deeply for you"

Confused I say, but what about ILYBNILWY speech, she said well it difficult to say how your feeling. I didn't have any other words.

MT

[sandi2]

10 minutes later after dropping them with her sister, she drops the bomb..
This cant go on, I ask what? "I dont love you any more"

So this is what she said when she hit you with the bomb, but now she's saying that she never meant she didn't love you, but indeed cares deeply about you. She doesn't know how to express how she's feeling? Didn't she tell you ILYBINILWY? That is the "speech" that all WAW'S tell the LBH......doesn't she know the script yet?

Well, here's the thing.......she does love you but she isn't feeling sexual attraction to you. Her heart craves romance and that is why she's been vulnerable to an A. She no longer feels that you fit the bill for her. I even told some of my family that my H felt more like a brother to me than a H.

There is something that is causing her to cake eat here. She throws out just enough crumbs at you to get you all perplexed and wondering what she's going to do next. That's why you need to move on ahead with your life while she gests where act starighten out.

So jealousy is the Key?

I believe it is an important key, but not the only key. If she has issues of suspecting you in an A, then you will want to be careful that you do not give impressions or say anything to imply that. However, I feel that you could do as I laid out in the last post and it not actually imply you are in an A. What she thinks will be up to her. I do think jealousy is good to a point.....in other words by her seeing that some other woman is interested in you, it makes your W take a new look at you and have to accept that she does in fact see a sexy man that she is trying to give up. If she feels the sting of jealousy....then that is a good sign. If she did not feel a thing for you......she would feel no jealousy at all.

If you have taken your rings off.....then how do you feel about dating? Does that go against your personal standards?

It doing all of those things together that works for the M.

In a nutshell she told me that she doesnt know the reason she feels like she feels. She does however feel under constant pressure from the situation, her parents and their views, what about the children, work/promotion etc...

Well I certainly know what a long time of living under pressure does to a person......and it's almost as if the body jumps straight up out in rebellion to preserve itself. That's why I said she was vulnerable for an A.

Hate to cut out on you, but my medication is hitting me. Better go.