feel like giving up - talk to me!

[Gnosis]

I know I'm still walking through 3 foot weeds!

And don't forget the 19 years of bad behavior on both sides of the wall.

He came home yesterday (again no kiss) and a matter of fact kinda attitutde. I don't get it - what's your deal dude? anyway was in no mood to be irritated so I let it be.

Remember our points game? +1 pt. Score: 1.

Feedback: You let him get to you.

He usually cleans up the kitchen (his forever duty) unloads dishwasher and picks up but he left a mess. He's been acting like a kid lately stomping his feet cuz he has to help. So I say, "can you pick this up a little" he starts raising his voice and says, "what if I don't want to?"

Lesson: You're not his mommy, you're his wife. Treat him like a kid and you're going to get your buttons pushed.

He knows what his duties are... if he doesn't do them... don't say a word. Leave his mess there. DO NOT TOUCH it or clean up after him. Look on the bright side of this. If the dishes aren't done you don't need to cook. When mealtime comes get takeout or something for yourself and the kids. If he asks where the food is, answer matter-of-factly, "Couldn't cook." If he asks why, shake your thumb in the direction of the kitchen and don't say a word.

irks me to my soul when he acts like this! I kept a calm voice while he is raising his. He is irritated and starts picking up. He does it (took him a whole 10 mins)

+1 pt. Score: 2
Feedback: See what happens? Don't play mommy. Avoid reacting to these situations. 1 pt for keeping calm voice.

so I sent him a text (have a good day - love u) no response - the resentment building.

Resentment is because you have expectations. When you get rid of the expectations you'll relieve the stress of the resentment. I know... this is hard. Very hard.

I try and let him be to figure stuff out on his own. I try but I see him struggle so I help/suggest but I guess that doesn't work.

No, it doesn't.

I just want him to know I'm here but he never comes to me with his problems.

He won't L. He's a male.
Right your cycle goes like this:
- You expect him to do something or act in a certain way.
- He doesn't.
- You get hurt because he doesn't 'get you'
- You release some of that in some way
- He gets hurt because he has failed
- He lashes out, you get hurt more
- You lash out, he gets hurt
And it goes on and on.

We're working here on you breaking the cycle because he doesn't get it and doesn't know how to do it himself. The easiest way to do this is to LOWER your expectations.

I agree we are both focusing on the negative right now and guilty of that.

And that locks you both in the above cycle.

It's like a power struggle I guess. He is asserting his power over me and I don't like it.

And likewise you're doing the same and he doesn't like it either.

I'm dealing with a man who shuts down and refuses to acknowledge his part. The refusal is what bothers me most. It's all my fault don't you know? I'm the one "fighting."

No, you both share equal responsibility. Unfortunately, you're the one here and he isn't so you have to be the 'bigger man' here.[/quote]

So end results... score: 2 pts so far.

Some errors. Nothing big. You're doing well so here's a bonus point for you to keep in mind: When your H senses he is not going to be reprimanded for some little thing or other he will relax his guard. When that happens he will start opening up to you.

This doesn't mean you give him free reign and swallow all his crap. Let the little things slide. By all means call him out on your important boundaries: e.g. His bad behavior when your friend came over. (I hope I've got the right sitch here... LOL)