"Then let me be the first to say that you probably came to the wrong place."
You might want to re-read what he said PDT.
I did. My point was that if he feels like gathering intel to prove (or disprove) an affair is too much work, then the whole DBing process will blow him away.
PDT, Forrest Gump was correct. I wasn't saying the effort to reconcile was too much effort, just worrying about the OMs - things I can't control.
PDT, I do assume that they are PAs. And the answer is yes. I agree that the OMs are part of the wall, plus her "trust" issue with me and her resentment that I just didn't get it and it took me doing this for you to get it.
Coach,
Working on my Breaking Free exercises from NMMNG. I'm not an extreme nice guy - she was the only woman I've ever done that with. And in the beginning I actually always was the opposite of a NG. I wouldn't put up with crap. But for some reason after our child was born - I just didn't want to rock the boat. I was trying to be what a good husband should be - giving up my activities, helping with housework, cooking, etc. instead of just being me. NMMNG is a good book.
Five Love Languages was the first book I got. Dr. Chapman only lives 90 miles from me. His Needs/Her needs - check. All good books, but she wasn't ready for those - the wall.
I have a journal, cell records, photographs of entering and leaving her place during lunch. I can get copies of their time sheets where they work, etc. I just meant worrying about what she is doing is too much energy. Can't do it, need to just work on me.
And in the beginning I actually always was the opposite of a NG.
She respected you then and was attracted to that.
Do your homework on boundaries.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks PDT. I might even have some DNA evidence, but nothing else that proves a PA, but definitely an EA. At this point for me whether it is or isn't is irrelevant. Just a waste of energy I
Coach, thanks for the link. Yes she did respect that. If she went to far on something I called her on it. Somewhere as I said I started trying to be what I thought was a good H and instead became a NG. Maybe it was always there some, but I let the image change me. No longer posing on that.
Need some advice on a couple things from more experienced people. I've gone dark. I don't initiate any contact unless related to the kids. I don't linger at drop offs or pick ups. Actually that is one of the questions I have. I really don't speak to her at all. As I said we were in mediation. The last session on a break we were walking down the hall and she said "this might sound weird, I need a hug" I'm like why? Her - Because it seems like you are mad at me and hate me. I said oh and kept walking.
Does my almost silence around her create this feeling of hers. I know it could be my look. I'm not a great actor and struggle with being "happy" around her. I use level tones when I speak, etc.
But she doesn't call, text, or e-mail unless it is about our child. Anyone else seen this?
It is the nuances of doing things that gets me. Questions in my mind of how to proceed.
Like her b-day is coming up. Obviously I will get her something for my son to give her. Question is whether to get her a card from me. I did buy one - no I love yous on it or anything. Not mention of her being my wife etc. Just a card that says Happy Birthday. Just don't know if I'll send it. Anyone?
When a woman makes a comment (you seem to be mad at me or hate me.) It's a question, she's mind-reading because she wants to know. Response, "no, I don't hate you. please don't assume you know what I am thinking or feeling, if your want to know just ask."
The flip side is when she asks a question it's a statement. "Do you want to go out and eat tonite?" Means she wants to go out to eat.
Something from the kids and a simple card is right on for her b-day. Treat her like a co-worker.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
