Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Thinker,
I read an article on Stonsy's blog addressed to men (google it, he is great from the booksof his I read). He wrote an article with the title Compassion Vs Trust. He opens the article with the question "When are you more powerful, when you are mad or when you are compassionate?". You can figure out the answer. I think, even if you are not mad, you can replace the word with hesitant, anxious, tired, disappointed, it would still make sense in your case.
K

Thanks Kalni,

I read and learned a lot from Stosny's "Love Without Hurt." I've found the concepts in there of replacing resentment with compassion to be pretty powerful.

I found a couple of articles he has written, but am not sure which was the one you were referring to.

[Hope4us]

Outstanding Thinker.

Just keep that mindset...no pressure. Enjoy your "date" like it was a first date with a different woman. When you went on first dates, you didn't have any expectations, correct?

When there's no pressure/expectations, it lets the WAS relax and once they relax, they let themselves open up to the possibilities.

And just to give you a little encouragement, it was about a year after I got the bomb dropped on me that my W began to open up to me. Still took another 6-8 months after for her to show me she wanted to make a go of it, but after that year, I began to see my real W show up more and more.

[Coach]

Just got a call from Mrs. T asking me out on a date tonight - dinner, and then either a movie or some joint christmas shopping.

Well?

[Thinker]

Casual dinner followed by some Christmas Shopping with the kids. It was pretty relaxed overall. I can tell that she is not really relaxed when we are together - quiet unless I start a topic of conversation, and then not really participating.

I'm not going to read too much into it.

[Thinker]

In response to Kalni's post above, here is the link to Stosney's article on Compassion

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ange...fear-compassion

It is pretty good overall, in highlighting the challenge compassion entails - in particular the challenge of being compassionate while at the same time maintaing boundaries and self protection.

Hi point: you can be compassionate without trusting recklessley. You can be compassionate without allowing yourself to be walked on, and you can even be compassionate while walking away from a destructive relationship.

[orangedog]

Should be required reading.

[Thinker]

Here 's another interesting article - might strike home with some out there - I know it matches my sitch almost exactly

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love...ried-him-anyway

[aliveandkicking]

That was interesting. I find it hard to settle on what actually happened in my sitch because, as we all have learned, there is a different perception and revisionism looking back.

[Thinker]

The only issues this weekend were the ones in my head. I've been battling negativity and walk-away-itis. I find myself thinking thoughts varying from "why do I want to be married to this woman anyway?" to more destructive feelings of entitlement and resent.

The feelings are my own. Mrs T has done nothing new to provoke them. I can attribute them to the facts that a) I haven't done a very good job of taking care of myself (I went into the weekend without plans) and b) my expectations of how things should be do not match the realities of my sitch.

In reality, Mrs T is actually more open, sociable, and non-critical than she has been much of the time in our sitch. We're getting along fine.

[sandi2]

You've been here for almost a year, Thinker. I know you must get exhausted from the stitch. Don't read anything into the fact Mrs. T wasn't as talkative or whatever on the date. I think it's important that you try to be as relaxed as possible, and that will help her as well.

I hope this next year will be a good year for the Thinkers!