Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[CountingCrows]

Did a good job this morning. W came over while I was still helping S7 get ready for school. Finished up and went to my office to gather up some stuff for work. W came in and we talked briefly about how I was working on plans for S7 during his Christmas break, since we both still have to work. I'm taking care of making sure he's covered during all of his days off.

W mentioned how she didn't know what she was going to do about his Christmas present this year and started complaining about her financial situation. I got to use the "I know, this is really hard on ALL of us." line, then got up, hugged S7 and encouraged him to do good on all the things we've studied this week. Told the W to have a good day and left for work. Probably the least interaction, with absolutely NOTHING that could be perceived as pursuing that I've had with W since she started coming over in the mornings.

Had lunch with my 1st wife today. She and I separated/divorced 20 years ago, but have remained friends all this time. She has spent many years (18+) in therapy since then. She's very strong and independant and always has a opinion to share. Today, ex-W's main concern was that now that I'm doing better, she was afraid that W would see me and S7 moving on without her and decide to come knocking because it would be the "easy way out" of W's difficult situation. I understand that concern, as it's on my mind a lot right now too. Ex-W did mention that I seemed more "myself" than I had in the past 1.5 years.

Not putting the cart before the horse, but at this point, if W expressed a desire to return home, I'd have to tell her "I've got to think about that for a bit." I look at how our R worked in the past, and realize that my heart breaks not so much for the way our R was (particularly these last 3 years), but for the R that I had always hoped it would eventually be. The unrealized potential that it held.

Just stream of thought journaling below here (as if all my posts aren't pretty much SoT journaling anyway!):

I married a woman who I met as she turned 21. I'm nearly 9 years older than her. She's always been behind me in maturity and responsibility, and I always thought that she would grow out of that over the years. Now, as a 36yo mother of a 7yo, she's still seems to want to act like a teenager...kind of selfish and narcissistic with a myopic view of the world. Her favorite quote was from the Tool song "I want what I want!" Not that she didn't give me loads of attention, romance and love throughout our relationship, but particularly in the area of responsibility, she never seemed to grow up...and I enabled her to stay irresponsible by never expecting more of her. In fact, over time, I became less responsible myself.

My sitch has put me in a position where I'm moving back to my responsible ways. Someone said that behind every successful man is a wise woman pushing him to be a better person. Although W was very supportive of me, she never really motivated me to set my aspirations very high. I'm realizing that I contain that motivation within myself, and have more reason than ever now to step up and be a responsible man with higher goals and aspirations than what I was willing to settle for during our marriage.

TGIF!