Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Quick call from W. She needs to give D10 $20 for the book fair. She was wondering whether to drop it off tonight or tomorrow morning. She decided on tomorrow morning. It's another Wednesday night mystery, but I shouldn't be thinking about her. I should be acting "as if" this is all going to work out.

[ClingingToHope]

I just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo want to know where she's going on Wednesday nights. But I haven't asked. It's on the tip of my tongue, but I haven't asked.

[motherof3]

I just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo want to know where she's going on Wednesday nights. But I haven't asked. It's on the tip of my tongue, but I haven't asked.

I know the feeling. For me the need to know info comes and goes.

Don't ask her. I know that it is easy to say, but harder to do. Stay strong.

[ClingingToHope]

Honestly at a loss at what to post tonight. I have to go out and get milk for the morning and I could swing by W's to see if she's home. But I fear the answer.

[TrentC]

Honestly at a loss at what to post tonight. I have to go out and get milk for the morning and I could swing by W's to see if she's home. But I fear the answer.

Then why do it? Why do something that has far more potential to make you unhappy than happy?

If she's seeing someone else, you will find out. Guaranteed.

[ClingingToHope]

Good interaction this morning. Girls stayed at my apartment. D10 has a book fair today and W stopped by before they went to school to give her $20.

Apartment was clean. Girls were dressed and ready to go. Morning went off without a hitch. They were in good moods. No fighting. I was looking good in a new shirt.

W came in and the girls showed her my little pre-lit 4 foot Christmas tree we bought yesterday. D7 was yammering away and W was laughing and looking at me and smiling.

The only down part was how D7 was explaining to W that we are going to buy four Christmas ornaments on Sunday. One for D7, one for D10, one for me and one for the family.

W said we don't need to buy ornaments, she has plenty and she'll give me some. I told her this is going to be our new tradition, buying new ornaments every year.

D10 started making motions like -- don't say that. But I just smiled at her.

D7 went back to talking away and eventually I got D10 her coat and let W drop her off at the bus stop.

It's times like this morning, when we are all together and things are light and easy that I start believing, deep down, that W will not be able to actually go hire a lawyer, file and follow through on breaking up this family.

As Dottie (DB counselor) says, I'm not actually getting divorced. Nothing has been filed.

[ClingingToHope]

Was thinking about my sitch again this morning when I had a strange thought. In a way, I'm always thinking about my sitch. This time last year I was pulling my hair out because of the coldness of my W and wondering how long I could go without ML.

So really the only thing that has changed is my circumstances.

Luckily there won't be a lot of time to think this weekend. It's my weekend without the kids and I've been able to fill the past few of these weekends going out. I haven't sat home on a weekend night since --- August maybe.

But this weekend is different. I'm working at basketball games Friday night and Saturday morning. Covering for a friend at my regular job Saturday night and then have the girls on Sunday.

I'll make more than I spend for the first time in a while.

My next weekend night without the kids where I'm not working is Dec. 19. After that it is Jan. 1 and 2. After that it is Jan. 16.

I also was thinking about Christmas. Dec. 23 is my normal night with them. My church is having 10 straight days of Christmas performances so I can take them that night.

Then on Christmas Eve W had said I could have them that night. I don't think it's necessary. She can have them the entire night and the next morning and then Christmas night and the next two days are my weekend anyway.

There are cheap indoor water park tickets on sale. I could take them on Dec. 26 or Dec. 27.

I'm not sure what I'll do on Christmas Eve. My sister invited me to Lake Geneva, but it's more of a kids event. I could drive to Sun Prairie to visit a cousin.

I could spend $100 playing Texas HoldEm poker at a Chicago area casino.

[ClingingToHope]

Just had my annual review for my job. Boss says my performance over the past six months has suffered and understands a lot of it stems from my home situation.

I'd written that in my self review. I work at a newspaper. We're on our second year of a salary freeze so I wasn't working for a raise anyway. I'm the number cruncher for the newsroom so I'm in no real danger of getting let go.

When I was done reading it I asked where do I sign. She wanted to talk/fight about it. I told her I agree with what was written. She asked when will I get the fire back.

I told her there were a number of projects that we're in the works that should come to fruition in 2010, but actually getting excited about the job. I couldn't promise that.

Sometimes I'm too honest for my own good with people here at work, which is the opposite of how I was at home.

[mishka422]

Whoa....you weren't honest at home? About your feelings?

That's the opposite of my problem. I was far too open about everything I was feeling at home and apparently that was too much. He didn't want to hear it and didn't want to offer support or opinions on anything to me. Hmmmm.....interesting.

[ClingingToHope]

W and I are both types who bury everything and then when it comes out, it all comes out.

At work, I'm exactly the opposite.