Your sexless marriage IS TYPICAL ssmguy. You have not named one thing about your situation that is atypical.
Lack of sexual experience in you both? Typical.
Married too young? Typical.
Wife who would rather you deal with the situation yourself without bothering her? Typical.
You have had affairs? Typical.
Where is the atypical aspect to your ssm???
DQ
Well, OK, you're convincing! You might be right. Then why haven't the typical solutions worked? We've been to the very best therapists, and even some not so good.
There was a Lifetime Network movie about a guy who was a sexual addict, played by Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna (if I got those names right). The one part of the movie I'll never forget was when they were in therapy, and he was admitting to his sexual escapades, and she was upset and said that she would continue the therapy under only one condition, and that was that he must promise that he would not participate in any sexual activity that did not involve her. That response seemed utterly different from anything my wife would say in that situation. Of course, her husband in the movie indicated that he'd try, but couldn't make any promises, again totally different from what my reaction would have been.
By contrast, if my wife had said that in therapy, I would have immediately agreed to her terms, and I would have felt hugely accepted as a sexual person by my wife. Rather, the message I've gotten from my wife in the last 10+ years is that she loves me, wants me around, wants my companionship, etc., but she doesn't want my sexuality at all, period. And she recognizes that and feels it's only fair that she show some consideration by buying me playboy calendars and such.
That doesn't seem like the typical cheated-on wife's attitude to me. But maybe that's just a small variation on the norm in the bigger picture.
