...the issue of my rather meager first-hand sexual experience, and the challenges that poses for both my wife (who is even more inexperienced in many sexual senses) in trying to get things to normal. This blind-leading-the-blind aspect has already contributed to our lack of recognition of the extent of the unusualness of our situation, even when it seemed to me that sex was good.
....And I remember one young woman casually telling me some things she was doing with her boyfriend and asking for advice, thinking I was far more experienced since I was married and had kids. I gave her lots of good advice, but I had to rely entirely on my book knowledge and common sense. I felt ashamed and jealous and upstaged by a woman less than half my age because I had never been able to get my wife to share in any of the things she assumed was second nature to people like me.
....I just want to know what it's like to have really good physical sex, with both parties having orgasms, taking turns giving each other orgasms, having a woman on top for intercourse. I just want to know what it's like to look forward to things like that happening, and knowing with some certainty ahead of time that it will happen, and knowing it's not going to be a struggle, and feeling like even if it happens, it's just someone doing me huge sacrifice and favor.
...OK, I'm ready for the lecture about how focused I am on tight bodies and how I'm stuck in a teenage sexual mind. Well, in terms of experience and fascination, there would be some truth to that. But I believe I can advance past that with some positive experiences.
The question is, how can I get to a more normal mindset on this by working only with my wife? Who it is now apparent to me is even more "inexperienced", so to speak?
Part of me shares some of your feelings and frustrations, as I married young, and my wife was a virgin prior to me. When I first started dating my wife, I was "technically a virgin" although had been involved with heavy petting to mutual orgasm with other girlfriends.
First, congratulations on knowing the right and honorable thing to do in focusing on working on your relationship with your wife.
I think that you are raising the question of which is superior "real experienced based learning" or vicarious learning. I would say civilization has concluded (i.e. school learning is the principle form of learning in most developed and developing nations) that book and lecture based learning is good enough.
Having said that, there are certain "arts" and "crafts" that require a lot of hands on training and apprenticeship. If sex and marriage required such instruction, then prositution (male & female) would be univerally legal and "starter wives" would not be a joke, but a respected way of acquiring experience. While there are sex surogates who help people with certain problems, they are not universally perscribed for problems in marriage.
Therefore, my conclusion is that books, videos, marriage workshops, conseling should probably be sufficient to provide any "education" not gained through mutual trial and error.
There are some pretty "hot" DVD's out by the Sinclair Institute on things like mutual erotic massage and ways to better sex that if you have a willing partner could allow you to "spice things up" quite a bit. Sinclair Iinstitute Video Store
You need to be careful on the Sinclair DVD's as your wife could easily react to these as pornography as opposed to therapy. They try to say they are educational, but they are quite graphic. Most "porn stores" carry them so they must have some appeal to both markets. The Joy of Erotic Massage DVD is probably a little over the edge for my wife and it is about as tame as they have. Consider this as a future option.
From my perspective, trial and error with book, video, and Certified Sex Therapist (an some support and sharing from forums like this) is the path I am trying to follow and hope will lead me to a more happy marriage. Currently, I am definately not there.
I have not had sex with my wife for several months, but she is touching me (in her own sisterly way) much more and I feel that there is some healing that is happening. I have recently gotten a number of ideas and books to read from this forum and a spark of hope has been re-ignited in my heart for the moment.
You know the right thing to do. Hang in there and good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
