Fog is lifting, now what?

[l.t.]

Hi All,
Boy, this part is really harder than I would have ever guessed, a true excercise in patience and self control. It's hard to force yourself to do nothing, to stay calm and friendly, especialy when they are acting more like themselves. Hard because sometimes things seem so normal, but you know they are not. He is still doing the come a little closer and then back off thing. For instance, he asked if he could come over on Thanksgiving and I said okay, he was very excited about it. But than he started to hesitate over the next few days, that morning he called to ask if I was cooking yet, then added that he might just stay home, so he spent the day alone. The next day he came over unexpectedly and started fixing things around the house and brought me a bottle of wine. I was succesfull in ignoring the previous days events and just enjoyed the day. It's like he wants to be here but just can't, like he's afraid or something. The good new is though, that when he comes closer, it's a bit closer than the time before and when he backs off it's not so much, like little circles heading in my direction. Yes, patience is hard but it is also I think the key.

l.t.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

like he's afraid or something.

Like...

judgement from you and friends and family
anger from the aforementioned above
never living down the affair, always being reminded of it later
being set up by you as revenge
reprisals from you
letting you and the kids down again (strange but possible)
the constant reminder of the pain he caused

Just a short list of possibles.

[l.t.]

How do we get passed this? I try not to speak of these things, but yes, sometimes I have given into to urge to take a jab about the ow. I see this is probably a very bad idea. right? I won't do this anymore. Sometimes he makes vague referances about "if only I (himself) had never done this or that then this would never have happened." I just respond with silence, not sure what to say. Do you think he is looking for reassurance or something? How do I reassure him without seeming like I'm trying to get him home or whatever, not sure what word I'm looking for. thanks...l.t.

[kjensen]

You could say something like.."Its hard looking back with regret".. or "sometimes I feel the same way"...something noncomittal and validating of his feeling. When in doubt you can try to rephrase what he says just with different words or by summarizing. It doesn't mean you agree or disagree, just that you are hearing him.

[Grace_O]

lt

If he were just a close friend, what would you say to him?

B/c I had a convo like this with a friend I can tell you when she was talking about woulda, coulda, shoulda, I listened for a bit then said something like "I know you wish it was different, but it isn't. The question is do you believe the amazing people in your life that are working on getting past all this have some ulterior motive? What would that be? Let's see, that they truly love you and are willing to do whatever it takes to change things? Be patient and yes, you wil have to explain yourself sometimes, but you created that. Be patient." I also, know that her C suggsted that there be a specific time during the week that her H could "ask" about the affair and other than then he had to wait for the next go round. I think it's different for women in that many seem to take more jabs and want more info. You can control this though.

I like the way kjensen put it. Try differnt things and go with what works

HUGS

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You jab the OW/OM and they will defend them.

It is not in your best interest to attack the OW.

[l.t.]

Hi everyone,
Wanted to get some input on recent events, H spent christmas eve and day alone. He called the kids several times during the day, From what they were saying I could tell he was crying, he made up some excuses to talk to me, but was not emotional at all.
He spent most of the day on the phone with someone here (me or 1 of our 5 teenagers). Next day he called me, very emotional,"yesterday was the worst day of my life, I (he) have got to pull my head out of my a$$...." Has he perhaps finally hit the perverbial rock bottom???
There has been alot of contact since then, more in person than on the phone...jokes, smiles, calles me honey alot latley.
Then lastnight he called, started out causious they finally began to break down. He asked "how did we get here...what happened to us"...this led into a long conversation concerning things that led up to his leaving. He is sticking with much of his "rewritten history" I listened to him and tried to validate his feeling with out agreening to any of his fabrications. I also accepted blame and agreed to things that he was right about.I did not throw any accusations at him, I did'nt think it was the right time for that, this was really the first major time of him opening up to me. Not just hints here or there. I was also given the opportunity tell him that I loved him and that I forgave him, uncondidtonally, because thats how REAL love works, without being pushy or needy. As if just stating the facts as I see them. I was kinda proud of myself for not reacting, there were opportunities. We did'nt talk it all out but decided to table it for the night. His last comment was that we will contiune this later, it enden on a good note, I think it went well.
lt

[job]

I don't think he's hit bottom yet. He's very close. But, he's questioning some of the choices he's made and that's good. The holidays drove the guilt home more so than any other day thus far.

Continue doing what you've been doing. He knows that you love him and now he is very much aware that you have forgiven him. Keep the candle burning in the window, for he will need that light to guide him home one day.

[l.t.]

Today he said "i'm not going to leave you guys hanging anymore (about $$), I've done that enough". Boy was that an understatement or what. But anyhow...can you please explain more about rock bottom, like how will I recognise it, what stage does it occur??? Thanks alot lt

[job]

Rock bottom is when they have nothing left to lose. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. Once they truly hit bottom, they have no place to go but back up.
Rock bottom comes near the end of the deep, dark depression and acceptance. Mlcers tend to be tough and hang on to the very end because they are very, very stubborn.

You can read up more or rock bottom by doing a search on google or AA. You hear the term more so with drug addicts and alcoholics when they have nothing left to lose.

Each individual hits bottom differently. He may not hit bottom for a long time, but when he does...you may actually witness it. I wouldn't sit around waiting looking for it to happen. The old saying "a watched pot never boils' is very true of a Mlcer.

Focusing on the stages will not help you. They bounce back and forth in them and in some cases are in several at a time. That's why it's important not to devote your life to focusing on them. They really are bouncing off the walls and you have to be the sane, rational one here and keep your life, family and home together.