I struggle being strong on a daily basis. The only way I can cope with this is to keep reminding myself that my H isn't there at the moment as he is on his journey and I need to change certain things in myself for when my H turns up again. Easier said than done on most days but I keep plodding on........
Thanks PT for your advice.
I think that's what I'll do. I was a bit uncomfortable about texting him on his birthday, especially as he has gone very quiet at the moment.
H texted last night. I didn't reply so he sent the same message 4 times. It was friendly i.e Hope you are ok, is this plan ok for you etc. I still didn't reply.
This morning he sent the same text to me. The text felt more angry I presume because I didn't answer yesterday.
L What do you think? Is your H trying to keep you at his beck and call sometimes they may not like the changes of us distancing and moving on to some degree they want to keep us at their side even though there is no longer a M I would ignore his anger and continue on your way You dont have to respond to his every call You are a busy person healing and creating a new life you can respond briefly, cordially when nessessary
I spent nearly 2 years being available to xh he visited we talked sometimes for long periods of time I listened to him I really tried to show him I wanted this M nothing worked for me the energy between us was always very good at that time so I tried and im glad I did so keep enough of the connection with him let him see the changes but dont have to overdo or always be available be mysterious- let him wonder peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
It is always good to get some clarity as my initial reaction is always to respond but I held out this time.
As it was to do with S16 I text him back 'yes, plan is fine' without any emotion etc. This is very different to previous texts where I have include niceties to him. I hope the text was cordial and not too business like.
He hasn't returned any more text so he is obviously content with this as am I.
Although I am trying to detach from H how do you know when you have detached enough. On reading the forum some LBS appear to detach completley with no contact and others maintain just enough contact to progress themselves whilst standing. Is it different for each H depending what they were like pre MLC?
I want to get the right balance whilst I move on and wait for any progress in him without shutting the door completely.
Dettaching comes with time. Dettaching means not getting sucked into their drama and not reacting to it emotionally.
Dettaching doesn't mean not talking to them. But dettaching while you keep in contact with them is hard.
Not being in contact with them by your choice is going DARK. If you have young children together, then it is unlikely you can go dark, rather go DIM, communicate only about the children and bills.
How do you know when you have dettached enough? For what? The idea of dettaching is so you don't ache when they say I'm going out tonight, and wonder with who. Dettaching is so your heart doesn't race with joy when they "Bless you" when you sneeze because he actually said something nice to you.
How do you know? Not to sound trite, you just will know.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It has cleard up some confusion for me. As I have children I will go DIM as he comes to see the children and has to text me about them.
It is hard though as my heart still misses a beat when I see his name on my phone or hear his voice, but it is early days for me, so I'll keep working on it.
Today is H birthday and the first one we have spent apart in 33 years. I am sad that he chooses to be where he chooses when normally we would celebrate with cake and candles etc. I have decided not to contact him to send any birthday wishes.
Instead the kids and I are going to choose our christmas tree and put it up. They are so excited. We will have a great day and try and detach from H.
libby, Your h has made choices that fit his needs at this time. They are for him. Therefore, your choices at this time will be for you and your children. I think it's a wonderful idea to go and select your tree and put it up. You can't wait on him to do anything or be a part of the family traditions.
This is now your time do what you need to do and yes, pull out that list you stowed away many years ago, of things that you would like to do but didn't have time to do.
Go dim, detached and live your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have just had a telephone conversation from my eldest daughter. She tried to ring her dad on his birthday and he wasn't answering his phone. She then texted him to say she had called and hoped that he would have a nice day. He then texted her back saying 'I am having a nice day. Dad'
It is hard on the children as she is angry with him for not telephoning her and doesn't know how he can't be bothered to speak to his children on his birthday. They don't understand where he is at the moment. All I can do is to ask them to be tolerant of him at the moment as he comes to terms with moving out.
