Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Well, overall pretty good day for me. Stayed pretty busy to get my mind off of things, but now I am starting to have feelings of dread as my R & R approaches. I am looking forward to seeing my boys, but the feeling of overwhelming anxiety comes over me from time to time. I should know something about OP, by the time I get on the plane next week. I have already accepted it, but the kick to the 'nads that is coming scares the he!! out of me. I am concerned about how I will react when/if I see/talk to her. I am practicing what I am going to say for anything she throws my way, but it's the emotional side of me that I am having the hardest time with. I feel so much pressure on my chest, it almost takes the wind out of me when I think of her w/OP. I get this feeling of hate, and nausea, and complete abandonment. Is this normal? I am DB'ng, the best I can, but not sure that there is any reason to continue/have false hope. I know I am doing this for me, and not her, but a big part of me wants to feel her love for me again. I guess I need to quit wanting/hoping/reasoning/thinking over her. It is so very hard some days-especially the weekends.