Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but

[Freckle6]

Journaling--Things are still going cautiously good. Lots of texting and IMing, mostly initiated by him. He's spent the night a couple of times.

After the first time he was quiet the next day but still contacted me to chat briefly. Admittedly I was also probably hyper sensitive and over analyzing every little thing but I tried to play it cool and keep my freakouts mostly to myself after that first day and he did warm up again within a few days. The last night he was here was 2 days ago and no bumps after this time.

Tonight we talked for hours on IM and he's invited me over Saturday afternoon/night, when he has our son, to his "bachelor pad" that he's lived in for the last 3 1/2 years that I've never been to.

Things are/were still awkward in person when doing the visitation exchange thing for regular weekends and Thanksgiving. It did sting that we still did our separate things for Thanksgiving, but I know it was way too early to put anything out there with our families.

The other day I told him my "theory" on this being like people newly dating and getting to know each other cautiously, but having a 20+ year history and being married too... and he thought that described it perfectly and seemed to understand my being reserved. It's the child exchanges that are the worst--kind of this big old reminder of the reality of the situation.

He's been opening up a lot lately and says things like how he wishes he was here, that if he lived here he could afford XYZ that we were talking about, he has ideas for our house, etc. Trying not to put the cart before the horse and take all that with a grain of salt.

One thing I've noticed this time is that he will bring up old memories--good ones--not the revisionist history stuff they do as they're trying to get away. That really is a huge change. The anger and the blame is gone too.

Of course I'm still sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to scurry back into the tunnel. I hope this might he it, but time will tell.

I know I still love him deeply but I know it's not going to be easy either. I don't know if I'll ever feel completely safe (emotionally speaking--no abuse of any sort ever here) in a relationship with him again. Maybe that's a good thing though. That when you feel totally safe with someone is when you don't try as hard to keep the relationship alive.