There is one nagging thing which bothers me, but which nobody is really addressing, probably because it's a unique issue to me, and not at all to the other posters here whose problems have otherwise been similar to mine. And that is the issue of my rather meager first-hand sexual experience, and the challenges that poses for both my wife (who is even more inexperienced in many sexual senses) in trying to get things to normal. This blind-leading-the-blind aspect has already contributed to our lack of recognition of the extent of the unusualness of our situation, even when it seemed to me that sex was good.
It goes without saying that everyone on this forum would not approve of going elsewhere to get that experience. The reasoning would be that you could never learn about a really meaningful Schnarch Level 6 sexual experience from a friend with occasional benefits. Again, that misses my point, like telling a starving concentration camp inmate to avoid the 2003 wines from certain California vineyard because that was a bad year. Sure, level 6 sounds good, and I think I can visualize it emotionally, and it sounds great. But if I were to divorce, my giddy thoughts revolve around dating lots of women and having casual sex for a good while, something I feel I missed when I was young because I got married a little too soon, and because I then also missed all that good sex and experience I thought I was going to have in my marriage to make up for the lack of experience before marriage!
And only because I'm anonymous on this forum, do I dare admit that at my age, I'm pretty sure most people in their 20's have more experience with mutual arousal, petting to orgasm, etc. than I have had in my entire life. I would like to have that excitement of going through the first driver-ed, on this topic, so to speak. Perhaps I can get my wife to that level and we can both experience things most people get to before they're out of their teens.
I remember listening to some teenagers calling into one of those love-advice shows such as Sue Johanson "Talk Sex", or the old MTV Love-Line show, and they were asking questions that clearly showed they were more experienced than I was. And they were frequently calling about improving a situation -- a situation which, if I could even reach what they were complaining about, I would consider it a huge improvement in my marriage.
And I remember one young woman casually telling me some things she was doing with her boyfriend and asking for advice, thinking I was far more experienced since I was married and had kids. I gave her lots of good advice, but I had to rely entirely on my book knowledge and common sense. I felt ashamed and jealous and upstaged by a woman less than half my age because I had never been able to get my wife to share in any of the things she assumed was second nature to people like me.
So my motivation for going outside of my marriage might be a little different from the norm. That doesn't justify it, but I'm not looking for anybody's approval, and it doesn't bother me if anybody disapproves. I understand your reason for saying what you say. But I also realize you're coming from a different experience than me in some ways.
I just want to know what it's like to have really good physical sex, with both parties having orgasms, taking turns giving each other orgasms, having a woman on top for intercourse. I just want to know what it's like to look forward to things like that happening, and knowing with some certainty ahead of time that it will happen, and knowing it's not going to be a struggle, and feeling like even if it happens, it's just someone doing me huge sacrifice and favor. You know, stuff like that young woman was experiencing almost DAILY with her boyfriend, apparently.
But as much as some of these little issues have gotten under my skin, I'm also an optimist with a sense of humor. I think I can say I'm one of the few people my age who can truthfully look forward to delicious first-time basic sexual experiences at my age. I'd be curious to know how some of you women on this forum would feel about a man with such lack of experience. Not that I have a problem meeting women -- I've had a lot of women coming on to me over the years, and passed up a lot of opportunities I'm sure some men would have mindlessly jumped at. But what kept me out of trouble was that I already had a nice wife. But a few times the thought also crossed my mind that I was not anywhere near as sexually experienced as they were, and I had NO experience going through the steps of successfully physically arousing a woman. In fact, I remember one woman who apparently had a crush on me -- always came by my office just to "chat". At a party, she wanted me to feel her up. What saved me, besides general principles and being faithful, was that in the rush of the moment I was sure she was lying to me becaue my wife had always hated being touched that way. So nothing happend. It wasn't until after the party and I had time to think about it that I said to myself, "Wow, what an idiot I am!" Not in that I didn't take advantage of it, but that I didn't realize that she wasn't lying.
So that's some of my motivation. I can't stop thinking about messing around with women who want me to touch them in sexual ways. A totally new experience for me. I'll worry about Schnarch level 6 when I feel more on keel.
OK, I'm ready for the lecture about how focused I am on tight bodies and how I'm stuck in a teenage sexual mind. Well, in terms of experience and fascination, there would be some truth to that. But I believe I can advance past that with some positive experiences.
The question is, how can I get to a more normal mindset on this by working only with my wife? Who it is now apparent to me is even more "inexperienced", so to speak?
