Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

(((Kara)))

It seems like it has taken me forever to get here - Then again it feels like this just happened yesterday at times.

I still can't find any anger but I am pushing forward -

I don't like how out of the loop I have allowed myself to become however I have learned I am the only one how can fix that.

I also have spent some time formulating a game plan for myself and my boys. -

I need some type of stable balance, and I will be the one to provide this - No one else...

Nothing about this situation is healthy or normal or pleasent and I need to take the time for myself otherwise I am no good to my kids.

I wish you nothing but the best as well while you are formulating your plan

(((Hugs)))

[Serenity13]

Bobbi, Tristan & Sad...

(((Hugs))) to each of you and thank you all for your kind words...

I wish like hell I could feel this positive each and everyday however some days are worse then others...

I am trying to wake up each morning and be grateful for the blessings I have around me and not focus on all that has been lost.

[Serenity13]

Puppy ~

I was thinking of you last night - I see you on here day in and day out giving advice yet I don't see anyone ask how you are doing? How is your sitch going? Are you happy? Do you need anything?

I was driving into work today, popped in a CD, heard one of my favorite songs and again was thinking of you - Then I started (wailing lol) singing along and realized that the song is perfect for how I see you in my mind (must have been a sign)...

I do hope all is well with you...(((Hugs)))

Michael W. Smith
Straight To The Heart

When I'm down, when my soul's in need of rest
Come your words of comfort and of hope
I see your face always smiling back at me
A stream of light running straight to the heart

Child of God/Child of light
There'll be no more lonely nights
'Cause you have brightened up my life

There's a road that leads me to this place
A path of love running straight to the heart

Over the years I've learned one important
thing
It's that real friends shall never truly be
apart
You were there in my darkest time of need
With a hand reaching straight to the heart

Child of God/Child of light
There'll be no more lonely nights
'Cause you have brightened up my life

Take this gift it is all I have to give
A prayer of love forever straight to the
heart
A prayer of love forever straight to the
heart

[Serenity13]

FYI -

My H hasn't called to speak to our little one since Halloween night.

Little one asked me last night "Why doesn't Daddy want to see his Buggy (nickname) anymore?"

Needless to say I was without an answer

[brownidmom]

FYI -

My H hasn't called to speak to our little one since Halloween night.

Little one asked me last night "Why doesn't Daddy want to see his Buggy (nickname) anymore?"

Needless to say I was without an answer

(((Serenity)))

Now that is heartbreaking. Give extra hugs to Buggy for me! (((((Buggy)))))

Part of what keeps me hanging on is that my H adores the boys. I feel sadness for your child, but real sadness for your H. He will never get back this time with his children.

Ever read the "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormy O'Martien? Hard to read sometimes because you can just be so darn mad at your H. But what you'll find, is that by praying for them and really meaning it, you will develop compassion for them. You can't pray for someone and be mad.

Hats off to you because I would have a mouthful for H, if I were you.

bim

[Serenity13]

Another bump...

I came home tonight and found out from my oldest that apparently he and H have been talking behind my back and have already made plans for S to go live with H...

Betrayed once again behind my back and I am more hurt by this then anything...

At this point in time I am done. Done with it all. And I hurt just like day friggen one.

[Gardener]

(((Serenity)))

Another bump...

I came home tonight and found out from my oldest that apparently he and H have been talking behind my back and have already made plans for S to go live with H...Betrayed once again behind my back and I am more hurt by this then anything...At this point in time I am done. Done with it all. And I hurt just like day friggen one.

I wouldn't necessary jump to considering it a betrayal. Possibly just expedience and hoping to get away with more crap from useless father than tough, loving mom.
He's seventeen, right? Two thoughts:
Could anything be done legally with his recent court stuff, requiring no major moves at this time, especially to a father who abandoned his family, took up with an other OW, won't be round as much to give him the supervision and accountability that this post-legal matter requires AND doesn't even speak to your youngest. Dump all that in your lawyer's lap and see what he can come up with. You may be surprised and relieved.

Also, since he's seventeen: Have you thought about sitting him down (in a restaurant or something where he can't storm away) and speaking to him like an adult, acknowledging that both being 17 and being in this non-family situation sucks. Then tell him - woman to (young) man - and telling him in no uncertain terms what his father has done to you, your marriage, to S,17 and buggy and your family and why. This is the role model you want to emulate? This is the environment you want to be immersed in? Tell me why you imagine that moving in with dad would be better for you and your growth as a person and a man.

Just thinkin.

Hang in there, friend. Even when you don't feel it, even when you thik you are going backwards. You are getting stronger every day! Sometimes it's almost infinitesimal, some days it's powerful, some days you don't even know it's happening.
But it is.
((((S))))

[Serenity13]

Gardener ~

He is 14 and he knows exactly what his father is doing - He can't move until he is off probation however just the simple fact that the plans have been made for this summer (if S is off probation) just shows me that H has no intention of ever coming home.

He also knows Dad will allow him to do basically whatever he wants whenever he wants cause he always wants to be the good guy so that makes him cool.

Forget the facts - we have no house, no car, no monetary support from him, nothing emotionally, physically or mentally from him but he is the good guy and I am nothing but a POS doormat for everyone to walk over.

I am tired, so very tired and I cried tonight until I was physically sick and it just doesn't matter anymore. It is apparent that I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am never going to be good enough for him no matter what I do.

I don't want to live this life anymore.

[TrentC]

Forget the facts - we have no house, no car, no monetary support from him, nothing emotionally, physically or mentally from him but he is the good guy and I am nothing but a POS doormat for everyone to walk over.

I am tired, so very tired and I cried tonight until I was physically sick and it just doesn't matter anymore. It is apparent that I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am never going to be good enough for him no matter what I do.

I don't want to live this life anymore.

I'm so sorry you've hit this point, Serenity. I wish I could offer you more than a shoulder to cry on.

Just take care of yourself right now. Get a good night's sleep. and worry about your husband and everything else later.

If I may make a suggestion; I'd listen to the sermons from the life of Job that I gave you earlier, especially "When Life Falls Apart" and "When Pain is Prolonged". I found those extremely comforting at times.

[motherof3]

I am tired, so very tired and I cried tonight until I was physically sick and it just doesn't matter anymore. It is apparent that I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am never going to be good enough for him no matter what I do.

(((Serenity)))

You are stronger than you think. Even the strongest breakdown now and then.

And I think you have it backwards. H is not good enough for you.

Try to get some rest. You are emotionally exhausted right now. Tomorrow is another day.

Mo3