Spoke with atty this morning. They agreed that since I was still paying for more than my share of the family's needs and obligations, I was not in the wrong to cut W off of additional financial assistance, or in asking her to take over the truck/insurance payments. She suggested that I have the truck loan changed to her name, if possible, and not depend on her to make the payment directly. Atty advised me to document the agreement, which I had already done last night.
As far as using MC refusal for strategic purposes, atty said that since we live in a "no-fault" state, it really wouldn't really matter, but encouraged it if W decided to drop OM and try to make M work. Atty said that our state forces parents to attend parenting/counseling classes together as part of a D proceeding, but that it's not necessarily geared towards reconciliation.
This morning, W complained about being so lonely, really missing S7, and how she would normally talk to me about these type problems, but couldn't because of the situation. I just acknowledged what she was saying and bit my tongue when I wanted to ask where OM's support was during this. She asked if I had heard from any of her family, as no one would return her calls. I told her that I hadn't talked to anyone in her family. She mentioned that at least I had supportive parents to lean on during all of this. I nodded in agreement. She followed this up with a "I'm not trying to get you feel sorry for me...just talking."
W went on to say that coming over and seeing me make such progress on the house, appearing happy, working on projects and having the house all decorated for Christmas made her feel like we were done with her and just moving on without her. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way, but that S7 and I WERE moving on with our lives. We couldn't put them on hold...that we were going to be O.K. regardless of her decisions.
I should have walked out right then and went to work. Instead, I told her that she should re-read the letter I gave her several weeks back. She said she assumed that my feelings had changed drastically since then. I said that, with the exception of the financial support part, everything else that I had said in the letter still stands true.
Feeling that I was on the edge of R talk, I handed a copy of the financial cutoff advance notice letter to W and said that it was just a written version of what we had discussed yesterday. Told her she didn't have to read it now, but she opened it and read through it. She remained calm and didn't have any questions. I finally took the opportunity to cut the visit short and headed to work. Told her to have a good day, hugged my son and left.
I know I shouldn't have mentioned the letter...but it just came out before I realized it, so I just diverted things away and left.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
No, you shouldn't have, but that's OK. Just get back to where you were before you did that -- the "me and S are moving on" attitude -- you did GREAT.
I mean, really outta-the-park. IT IS WORKING. STAY THE COURSE!!!!!!
It's imperative that you pull back from the "pursuing" mistake of the letter. Hopefully, she'll maybe bring it up, and you'll have a chance to say "I shouldn't have said what I said; really, we're fine." But if not, just continue to PROJECT that in everything you do.
Oh, and next time she tries the pity-party thing, just say "I know -- this is very hard on ALL of us."
Be a good listener when you're with her (or on the phone), and DO validate. But then get-in/get-out quickly; don't hang around long enough for her to treat you like her confidante gay boyfriend. (Not that there's anything WRONG with that )
Great advice as usual, PDT. I think that when I mentioned the letter this morning, I was mainly trying to avoid restating my boundary regarding OM, which I don't need to remind her of. But I'm sure a part of me also wanted to remind her that I was open to working things out (wrong, I know.).
I'll definitely stay the course. As much as it doesn't feel like it's working, I can see that something is happening here. I'm just going to continue on with my life as a single parent and see where it takes me. I know it's what I have to do regardless what happens to our R.
I have to admit, it does feel good to be the one who isn't moping and depressed when W comes around (at least in her eyes...inside, I'm still a blubbering mess). That certainly wasn't helping my cause in the early weeks of the S. The switch in positions is interesting to say the least.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Did a good job this morning. W came over while I was still helping S7 get ready for school. Finished up and went to my office to gather up some stuff for work. W came in and we talked briefly about how I was working on plans for S7 during his Christmas break, since we both still have to work. I'm taking care of making sure he's covered during all of his days off.
W mentioned how she didn't know what she was going to do about his Christmas present this year and started complaining about her financial situation. I got to use the "I know, this is really hard on ALL of us." line, then got up, hugged S7 and encouraged him to do good on all the things we've studied this week. Told the W to have a good day and left for work. Probably the least interaction, with absolutely NOTHING that could be perceived as pursuing that I've had with W since she started coming over in the mornings.
Had lunch with my 1st wife today. She and I separated/divorced 20 years ago, but have remained friends all this time. She has spent many years (18+) in therapy since then. She's very strong and independant and always has a opinion to share. Today, ex-W's main concern was that now that I'm doing better, she was afraid that W would see me and S7 moving on without her and decide to come knocking because it would be the "easy way out" of W's difficult situation. I understand that concern, as it's on my mind a lot right now too. Ex-W did mention that I seemed more "myself" than I had in the past 1.5 years.
Not putting the cart before the horse, but at this point, if W expressed a desire to return home, I'd have to tell her "I've got to think about that for a bit." I look at how our R worked in the past, and realize that my heart breaks not so much for the way our R was (particularly these last 3 years), but for the R that I had always hoped it would eventually be. The unrealized potential that it held.
Just stream of thought journaling below here (as if all my posts aren't pretty much SoT journaling anyway!):
I married a woman who I met as she turned 21. I'm nearly 9 years older than her. She's always been behind me in maturity and responsibility, and I always thought that she would grow out of that over the years. Now, as a 36yo mother of a 7yo, she's still seems to want to act like a teenager...kind of selfish and narcissistic with a myopic view of the world. Her favorite quote was from the Tool song "I want what I want!" Not that she didn't give me loads of attention, romance and love throughout our relationship, but particularly in the area of responsibility, she never seemed to grow up...and I enabled her to stay irresponsible by never expecting more of her. In fact, over time, I became less responsible myself.
My sitch has put me in a position where I'm moving back to my responsible ways. Someone said that behind every successful man is a wise woman pushing him to be a better person. Although W was very supportive of me, she never really motivated me to set my aspirations very high. I'm realizing that I contain that motivation within myself, and have more reason than ever now to step up and be a responsible man with higher goals and aspirations than what I was willing to settle for during our marriage.
TGIF!
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
W just called me to arrange to pick up S7 for a sleepover at her apartment tonight. She asked if I would start breaking down shelves and various furniture that she used for crafting for her to take with her. I told her that I wasn't going to be able to do that today. She asked about cookware, and what I'd be willing to part with. Said that I could look and see what I could do without.
We discussed her "allowance". She asked if it was going to be a check or cash. I said check. She flared up and said that it would be leaving her with nothing until Monday. I calmly told her that she had the opportunity to contact me yesterday when I got paid or this morning before she went to work, when she could have dropped by the bank when it was still open. She continued to fume, and I told her "o.k...look, I'll have the cash for you when you come over." Don't remember what was said next, but it had something to do with not trying to be difficult and take each other's feelings into consideration.
<Putting on my hardhat...>
Then I really messed up. she made a comment about not realizing that "feeling" were being taken into account with our dealings, and the conversation devolved into R talk. I made a comment about how all these problems she was having were direct consequences of the decisions she had made. She said that all she did was get away from the guilt that she felt every day living with me, and that I was the one pushing her away now. I said that the reason she felt guilty living with me was because she was having a A behind my back. Angrily, W replied that I was always going to throw that in her face. She said that things were broken for a long time before the A. I calmly said but you are the one who ran away from our problems, rather than truly working with me to face them and try to correct them.
I wanted to say more, but I realized what a huge mistake I was making allowing the R talk to continue. I stopped her and told her that I didn't want to discuss this anymore and that I'd see her when she came over to pick up S7, said goodbye and hung up.
D@mmit!! I allowed myself to be pulled right into that conversation, when I know better. I've got so many angry feelings right now...at her, at myself. Part of me wants to just throw in the towel and pack all her remaining $hit up and let her deal with everything on her own. Part of me is really hurting because she sees our R as something that is broken beyond repair, and isn't willing to even try to work it out.
Anyway...I've got to regain some composure to deal with her visit in 1.5 hours. I'm going to go take a walk, take a shower and help S7 get his stuff packed up. &^#%$%^%!!!
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
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