Just an Update

[Treese]

TCBTE& YR....

OMG....my H never even enters my house any longer...he waits in the car for our son..

I remember a while ago when he was still living here when I got close to him, he would pull his shoulder in and I could actually see his chest moving in and out and how hard he was breathing...wow, that was hurtful...he would go into the bathroom and actually lock the door....we never have done that..

MOst of the time I feel like i am doing so much better and have control over everything then boom a memory sets in or a thought,something that sneaks into my head and I cant get it out until I totally play it out in my mind...then I end up crying, and tonight would be one of those nights....

I picked my son up from bball practice and I was talking to him, i said to him, "if there was one thing you really wanted for Christmas, what would it be"....He said, "nothing"...I dont even know if I'll be able to get my kids anything for Christmas..now that we are paying for the LOVE CHILD and H's pay has been seriously cut, I can barely pay the bills...I've never been in this sitch before and it is very scary..

When we got home I couldn't get out of the car, son went into the house and I starting crying, and i was crying hard..I couldnt stop.....you put 30 plus years into a relationship and in a moment, POOF, it's gone...without an explanation, without a look back, just erased...thank heavens for my children. they are my world...

I told someone at work today that I just act like H is dead..sounds bad but it works...he calls his son when he feels it's time, not consistant...sees him every so often, again when it's convenient for him, and all the other days he's free to do what he wants...

I have to admit that sometimes I do wonder what he's thinking, what he's doing, if we sneak into his thoughts, then I go back to reality and know he's really not THINKING at all...he's just exsisting....