Can I save my marriage?

[praying_in_GA]

Like I said Britt, you are an inspiration to me. Best of luck to you, I know you can do this.

[Gnosis]

Britt, I'm sorry you are where you are today. It breaks my heart to see you in this state. Do you remember this post on Nov 23?

Here's a wise piece of advice. When this happens (because it will) and he indicates that he wants to give the R another chance.. as much as it's going to feel wrong and your heart jumps and beats at 240 BPM... TURN HIM DOWN. <SNIP>

Don't make it a hard turn down like, "Over my dead body..." Nope, all you say at that point is... "I dunno. I'm not sure. Let me to think about it." Then shut up. If he wants you he will work for you. If he thinks he's about to lose you at that point, he'll work harder.
This is all in the future so be prepared for it.

I really wish you had. But you didn't. Then you didn't push for explanation or his intentions. And now, unfortunately, you're suffering the consequences of your (in)actions. What you have taught your 'boy' is that he can go on misbehaving and do whatever he pleases and you'll sit and take it. Now he rules you and you live by fear. Fear that he can and will cut and run at a moments notice. He knows this. You know this. There have been no consequences for him and no punishment - just REWARD. That's the lesson HE learned. When I started typing this response I was going to propose an idea. Now as I type I realize it goes completely against what DB advocates and would land me in hot water. So I will keep my peace.

On a more positive note: Although the path you're now on is the longer one and is filled with potholes, there is still opportunity to reconcile. Another positive: He is home and the flowers did the trick.

Don't forget to:
- Look after yourself
- GAL
- Be mysterious

The one bit of advice I can give you is this: Face your fear and conquer it.

I wish you the best of luck Britt.

[Ready2Change]

I am just going with my gut feelings here:

Thanks so much everybody for your input.

We are glad to help. We want what is best for you and your family.

I am trying really hard at patience right now.

Patience is very important. You want to respond to everything and not react. Trusting your feelings is important.

My MC disagrees.

You will have to trust your feelings on this. Listen to everyone in your support system. Then calmly make the best decision based on all the input you receive.

He feels that this is time now to sit down with H and discuss the situation

That is his opinion. What is H's opinion? What is your opinion? What has been working for others on this site? It is important to discuss the sitch, but the timing is also important.

, not only for my sake but for the children's.

You and H are equally responsible for the emotional ans well as physical safety of your children. You are both their primary role models. Projecting a strong, confident, independent woman that requires respect is important.

My S3 is very confused

Daddy abandoned him, now he is back, when is he going to leave again? Do responsible parents abandon their children? Souses? Families?

he asked daddy last night if he is coming home after hockey and why he doesn't stay at Aunties house anymore. H simply told him that he lives here now, and he will be sleeping here again every night.

This is good. H is responsible for his R with his children.

He asked S3 if that makes him happy and S3 said "yes daddy".

This is good also.

It breaks my heart to be doing this to the children when I have no idea what is going on, why he is here, how long he is staying.

This is a normal feeling and normal questions.

All I know is if he leaves again, it will destroy my son,

Do not fear H leaving again. Face this fear.

he is constantly asking for daddy while he is at work, or playing hockey, cause he just wants that feeling that daddy is here for good, and the worst part is I can't even reassure him,

Your job is to validate your childrens feelings. It is H's responsibility to reassure him.

I want to continue with the DB'ing approach, cause look where it has gotten me. My H is HOME!

DBing is working. Do more of what works and stop doing what does not work.

But my patience is running thin.

Forgiveness,Patience,Boundaries

I know its only day three. But I don't want a room mate. I want a husband.

Patience. Their is a lot of work to be done. Things are moving in a good direction.

I'm okay with the whole spare bedroom thing if he is willing to work on things, but I just need to know that that's why he is here.

Sounds like a good boundary.

Its too unhealthy for me and my children to give them false hope

What is healthy for the kids is to have two HAPPY, LOVING parents. You work on YOU. You support H.

All I know is I don't think my H will initiate any R talk.

PROJECTION.

I think he is trying to slowly slide back into the groove of things. Well that isn't going to work either. THere is no healthy marriage coming out of that at all.

Good boundary.

says " mommy, are wondering if daddy is coming home?" My made heart skip a beat. The poor little boy should not have those kind of thoughts. And what do you say to that? I don't even know the answer!

The truth with age approriate response.

I swear if H leaves again and puts my boys through that AGAIN, the police will be showing up at my door to arrest me for chopping off his "..."

Boundary.

I just dont know how long to put up with this.

Do not put up with irresponsible behavior. Keep setting boundaries.



HUGS

[gucci loafer]

My MC disagrees. He feels that this is time now to sit down with H and discuss the situation, not only for my sake but for the children's.

I AGREE with your counsleor. I told you to have a talk with your husband BEFORE you let him come home..

You absolutely SHOULD have a talk with him... What are you thinking not having a talk over him moving in and out and back in????


You are letting people confuse you about having or not having relationship talks. It is silly to allow him back in and then believe you shouldn't have a talk...

You SHOULD and MUST have a talk..

The key with the "talk" is how YOU come across to him.
You don't want to be a mouse.

STRONG, CONFIDENT and sure of yourself. "I want answers and if you don't give me answers, then I am not sure this is going to work., Tell me what the h**ll is going on here with you"

That is the attitude you need and that is the attitude that will make it not only OKAY to have a talk, but also make HIM aware that things certainly HAVE changed...

You are being no more than a doormat to allow him to come and go as he pleases without you speaking up. Don't be his mommy. Be a strong, mature, sure of herself, confident woman who will settle for no less than his best effort.. If not.. Who needs it?

[Lll54]

I kind of agree with you gucci. I think its pretty ridiculous the situation I'm in right now. I guess when he mentioned coming home I just expected him to naturally talk to me about it when he got here. Well its day four. No talk. The first two days he had a chance we had a few minutes together but nothing. I wasn't sure what to do? I am always steered here away from initiating the R talk. I'm confused.

Now that he is back to work for 5 days, I don't see him much. He works twelve hours, then plays hockey. By the time he gets home I'm in bed. Then the last three days of work are night shifts so he sleeps during the day and works at night. I won't really get a chance to talk to him until at least monday.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act. He is on days right now, and pre-separation he would come home on his lunch break and i would make him lunch. Well since we've been separated he has been eating "out" cause he had nobody to make him lunch. Then other night he mentioned to me that he wants to come home for lunches again. He said he spends way too much eating out. So its day two of his "day" shifts. And he hasn't come home for lunch on either. No phone call, no nothing. This is just ridiculous, I would like to know how people who have reconciled after a separation get back into the swing of things???

[Coach]

I guess when he mentioned coming home I just expected him to naturally talk to me about it when he got here.

How'd that work for you?

I would like to know how people who have reconciled after a separation get back into the swing of things???

Communication - validation, listening, empathy, compassion

identifying and dealing with issues - solutions

transparency

avoiding old dysfunctional habits

saying what is on your mind - don't be afraid of what the other might think

boundaries - differentiation

practice true giving - LLs, no expectations

re-commiting

That should get you started. You can handle it.

[gucci loafer]

Coach is right Britt.

As long as the fear of him leaving by having a talk with him paralyzes you from getting some backbone and taking charge of YOUR life, then you will continue to get what you are getting.
(which I believe at some point if you do nothing, also means that you are getting what you deserve)

He who values himself may have fear, but knows it is better to be alone than to be in an unhappy relationship that doesn't have mutual giving... That person is willing to risk the chance of having the other person walk back out for the sake of their self esteem, self respect etc.......
Matter of fact, that type of person ASKS the person to leave that doesn't show and act as if they want to be there. That is why the talk is necessary in your case. It isn't to get him to stay with you ,but to find out why he IS there, and if not for the correct reasons, to decide what YOU will do about it.

Your choice. I know I would never accept anything but my own wife being here because she chooses to totally out of choice.
Love works best when freely given.

He either can tell you he wants to be there or doesn't want to be there because of you AND the children. If you accept anything less than allowing a man to be with you because he loves you and chooses you, then IMHO you are compromising your own self as a woman.


NOT GOOD FOR SELF ESTEEM.

[courts0818]

Wow, Britt. Your thread is long, but from what I've seen...you've done good work! I'm gonna check it out. : ) Maybe we do have things in common - it would be great if we could both say we've made some recent, drastic improvements!

[gucci loafer]

The facts are that Britt needs to see that she is a perfectly fine wonderful woman and wife and really has done little wrong for her husband to be acting this way. Once she realizes that and sees that is when she will make her biggest jump forward.

It is her HUSBAND that needs to make some drastic changes here.
Since he isn't on here asking for advice, then we need to show Britt what works best to bring him her way.

It is NOT the route she is taking though. She was on the right track, but her mistake was a few days ago when she didn't confront him on his move back in and nip it in the bud from the start. He shouldn't have been allowed back in untiil he showed her why she should allow it. Once she grasps how FREEING to a person's soul that type of attitude is and that the fear she had is only a boogie man, then she may stay stuck in limbo land and waiting on him for who knows how long. Plus he can now leave again because he hasn't had to pay a "price" for his actions. NOT GOOD. (which doesn't work)

[Lll54]

Okay, Gucci, You are totally right. I 100% agree with you. There is a lot of fear in me. There was way more when he left, and then it slowly went away. I was doing so well. Now that he's home its back, and its back with a vengeance.

So, what I'm asking is now that I"ve made a huge mistake and let him back in, where do I go from here? What do I say? How do I start the conversation? I just don't know.

I was having such a good month in november. I was GAL'ing like crazy, I felt good about myself, and now that he's home, I feel different. I just don't have the want to go out? I feel like my heart has taken a blow. I lost a lot of weight when he left and then when i got my life sort of on track I started eating again, and not good and gained it all back. Ugh. I just feel lost right now.

Yes, my H is home again. Yes, I never thought I would be here today, Yes I have made huge strides and changes in my life, Yes I want this more than anything.

But..I want my husband to walk in the door after work and hug and kiss me like we have for 5 years, and last night he came home, sat at the kitchen table and waited for supper to be ready. I don't like this, I don't like feeling like this. I just need some help on how to go about getting out of this now that I have went backwards.