Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

Go figure, our S is having a hard time with W not living here!

I tried a million times to tell W that this would be unbelievably difficult for him the whole time she was threatening to leave and she kept telling me that I was just telling her that to try to “control” her.

This past week since she left S has been with her from the time she picks him up from school until I pick him up at 5:30 ish and bring him home. He sleeps at home, and I bring him back there in the morning. She brings him to school.

Today, she suggested that she keep him ½ of the nights. This would give her all of the time after school and ½ of the evenings as well leaving me with only ½ of the evenings. Through text message, I told her that I did not feel this arrangement was satisfactory.

She sent me this E-mail:

EB,

I completely understand if you don't like the day on/day off schedule. S has been trying to not feel like he's choosing between the two of us and since he hasn't been vocal about his wishes up to this point and now he is, I think we should try to follow it at least for a while.

This is his house, too, and I know that is probably hard to accept and I'm sorry. I understand that you feel since I get a couple hours with him after school you should get a couple hours with him after dinner. What we need to remember is that parenting time is not about us spending time with him, it's about him spending time with each of us. I discounted that before in my first schedule suggestion, and he has made it clear that it's not good enough for him. Those two hours after school are filled with winding down from the school day, homework, playdates, dinner prep and dinner. The nights he's been here for those couple hours, we've enjoyed it, but it's not enough quality time to be the long term schedule.

If you don't want to do one night on/one off, we need to come up with something else that is fairly equal as far as nights with each of us. He wants that, and to be completely honest, so do I. Let me know if you have a suggestion.

My response: Please keep in mind that my parents divorced at his exact age and I have been fighting to keep us together.

W,

I am not sure how to respond to this at the moment. I do not agree with everything that you say and frankly, it has not gone well when I have expressed opinions that differ from yours.

There are a couple things that I will touch on though.

First, I know exactly what S is going through. I have been there before. He and I have spoken about this a couple of times this past week. I believe that I even told you this was what was going to happen with him. Believe it or not, all the times I told you how this would affect him, I was speaking from experience and trying to protect him from what he is now having to deal with. At some point, I would like to have a conversation with you about what I think he will go through next. I don't think that we're ready for that yet though. I have to be honest, I'm not ready to have friendly, open minded conversations with you right now, but we do need to talk through that at some point.

If we make the schedule he just has to follow it and does not have to choose between us. I would rather, once it is made, that we stay away from last minute changes as much as possible too.

Second, I know that you want your new place to be a home for you and S. I completely get that. I don't happen to see it the same way as you may though. This is his the only home that he has ever known and where his friends and neighbors are. It's not a matter of me not accepting it. I just don't think that your new place holds the same value as "home." I agree that it is where his mother is though, and also I agree that he needs to be comfortable there and needs to spend time with you.

Please keep in mind, I bought him a bed for there so he would be comfortable at your place. I do get it.

I am not sure how to have further conversation with you regarding how to develop a schedule for him at the moment. I would like to have him tomorrow night though.

I am not sure if I handled this poorly or not. Any feedback will be welcomed.