Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Virtually_Handsome]

Well, no need to buy her insurance.

There may be things you can do to protect your financial interests, but none of us (that I know of) are qualified to give that advice. And I think you need it.

[SoldierDad]

Maybe I should be the better man and pay the car. I'm not sure what message this is going to send to her though. She e-mails me, tells me I am responsible, I pay. Seems to go against everything I am learning. Is there a boundary I can set as far as giving her any more money? She makes enough money to buy groceries-which I already gave her $218 for on Tuesday. I dunno, I want to do the right thing, but I want to make sure THIS is the right thing. Thoughts?

[Frosty Michael]

SD,

Do your kids depend on your W driving them to school/activities etc? If you want to look at it that way for the moment making sure that car is there for family purposes could be reason enough to pay.

[MichelleLT]

Hey SD, saw that my buddy Virtually_handsome was posting to you and then saw the title of your thread.

I am in the Army. As is my XH. So sorry to hear you are going through this. I basically experienced the opposite. While he was deployed he detached, came home and started As (possibly started them while he was gone? but I have no proof), bad PTSD, lots of drinking, speeding tickets, spending all our money. 1 half-hearted attempt at R on his part, 3 yrs later we are D.

I live in Cali, so not up on Texas D laws, but I am an atty. Texas is a community property state - which means, theoretically (and in reality in a no fault D), everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, assets AND debts, is split equally.

If the car will impact your credit rating, I am of the mind to take care of it.

Deal with next month next month. She is reacting to you wresting control from her. Reality is hitting her - this isn't as easy or fun as she had planned. Her problem, not yours.

[MichelleLT]

Re: groceries.

You get BAH and BAS right? So pay the mortgage, and give her BAS and then tell her she can come up with the rest maybe.

I'm sure that your BAH plus BAS more than covers what you'd be paying in child support???

[bluerain]

I agree with Micheal. It might be easier for you to make peace with paying the car if you focus on the fact that it provides safe, reliable transport for your boys.

And IMO, I dont think that your email was all that bad... Maybe it would have been smarter to not have sent it, but oh well, that ship has sailed. You didnt call her names (that she didnt already call herself anyway, and you reiterated your requests for the financial info, which we seem to have all agreed you needed to do. But, I agree that that was probably not the best thing to do at this moment!

[SoldierDad]

Michelle, I am sorry for your sitch, I know dual military is even tougher on M. Thank you for your service as well.

Frosty, thank you, that is a good way to look at it.

Blue, thanks, I gotta learn to control these emotions-workin' on it.

Ok, I am going to pay the car payment, I really don't want my credit jacked up. Ya, BAH and BAS are right there as far as what support will be. Our mortgage is $700 more than my BAH though, so I am under no obligation, as far as the military goes, to provide her with any other support. I gave her $218 for groceries already on Tuesday. Also, got a somewhat nice e-mail from her about a certain phone S15 wants for X-mas, telling me "S15, really wants this phone, we can get this for him, and you can have his old phone, let me know. That was it-short, and to the point. The thing is, she knows, that I know, what phone he wanted. I am preparing for anything.

[SoldierDad]

I went back and re-read my last post, and I have come to the conclusion that the e-mail she sent about S15's phone, was her way of trying to be civil/nice, maybe trying to bring me back a little bit. I dunno. I'm reading too much into it I know. Also, W went out again tonight. Doing pretty good today, one week until I am home!!! For those with/had WAW, what were some of the things you occupied your mind with to not think about where she was, who with etc. I am GALing. It's just difficult sometimes, as when I wake up-she is just going out, and I just know that she is going to be with OP. Drives me nuts some days-is that normal, pretty sure it is. The pain from that, is slowly diminishing every day it happens, as my heart begins to what I call - Scarring over, from the hurt/pain. I AM getting better, some days better than others. One Day at a Time Soldier, stare adversity down, grab it by the ba!!s, and squeeze the life out of it. I will be a better Man/Father/Husband TODAY. Have a great day all.

[bluerain]

Hi SD, when my sitch had just started I really struggled in the beginning, but as time wore on I sort of just got pi$$ed. I spent more time with my friends, tried to not be home all by myself, especially if I was feeling down that day. I learned to ride a motorcycle, and if there were any especially adventerous jobs to do at work, I made sure to volunteer for them. I flew in helicopters, and tiny planes to really remote places, all things that I NEVER would have done as the person I was in my M.

It will have been two years in feb 2010, and it still hurts sometimes, but Im more angry than anything else. Im sure that most people will say that I need to let that go, but he pretty recently did something really lousy, so I think that Ill just be mad for a little while longer.

I think that you are both reacting in a pretty normal way, her being really angry because you are taking control and spoiling her little fantasy, and you going through all of the emotions that we experience in these kinds of situations.

So go easy on yourself, dont do things in the heat of the moment- if you are emotionally reacting in anger, you will probably make a mistake! Give yourself time to experience the emotions, you cant stop them anyway. Your going to be fine.

[SoldierDad]

Well, overall pretty good day for me. Stayed pretty busy to get my mind off of things, but now I am starting to have feelings of dread as my R & R approaches. I am looking forward to seeing my boys, but the feeling of overwhelming anxiety comes over me from time to time. I should know something about OP, by the time I get on the plane next week. I have already accepted it, but the kick to the 'nads that is coming scares the he!! out of me. I am concerned about how I will react when/if I see/talk to her. I am practicing what I am going to say for anything she throws my way, but it's the emotional side of me that I am having the hardest time with. I feel so much pressure on my chest, it almost takes the wind out of me when I think of her w/OP. I get this feeling of hate, and nausea, and complete abandonment. Is this normal? I am DB'ng, the best I can, but not sure that there is any reason to continue/have false hope. I know I am doing this for me, and not her, but a big part of me wants to feel her love for me again. I guess I need to quit wanting/hoping/reasoning/thinking over her. It is so very hard some days-especially the weekends.