Pls help--confused and fearful

[Day by Day]

Thanks P17. Although it's tough to hear/read, you are right--just hard to accept to move on without him after 20 yrs of being together. I'm afraid to get to that place that it would still hurt to see him even after I'd have moved on.

Thanks for the perspective on the contact with the kids. I was thinking of offering this weekend to him! You read my mind! Skip that. Stopped me in time.

[P17]

Thanks P17. Although it's tough to hear/read, you are right--just hard to accept to move on without him after 20 yrs of being together.

It's hard to accept that I have to move on after 3.5 years of M. I can't imagine how 20 must feel. Just remember, he does / will feel it too. You can't control how badly or when though, but he will. As sure as the sun comes up in the morning.

I'm afraid to get to that place that it would still hurt to see him even after I'd have moved on.

It won't always hurt, but you're right. Even after you've moved on you will likely get little moments or thoughts, glimpses etc. My worst fear is that W will be pregnant (I actually secretly believe she already is) and how that will make me feel. However there is no pint in worrying about it too much as I have no control over it.

[Day by Day]

Yeah, half my life with H.

I really wonder if he does/will feel it. He is so HEARTLESS and COLD. Doesn't seem like he's capable of feelings (except w OW I guess).

That would be very tough to deal with a WAW getting preg esp so soon. But, yes, we have no control over any of that. Stupid out of control decisions that they make.

[P17]

I really wonder if he does/will feel it. He is so HEARTLESS and COLD. Doesn't seem like he's capable of feelings (except w OW I guess).

Your H is the male equivalent of my W. She is cold and heartless. However she calls it self preservation. Rest assured that they cannot keep that up forever or they will die inside. They need to feel sometime and when they do it will hurt.

The difference between us and them is that we take the time to heal ourselves, go through the withdrawal, feel the pain, cry, shout, scream, get angry, cry some more. At the end of it we are whole people again. Better people as we took the time during the process to look at ourselves and understand what we did well and what we didn't do well in the relationship. We understand ourselves and accept ourselves warts and all. We know who we are.

They don't do any of this. And one day, when they wake up it will hit them. It might be tomorrow, next week, month, or in 5 years but I truly believe it will hit them. They might be strong enough to cope or they might not, I don't know. However they WILL have to grieve for the M or R at some point. We have been replaced, but the feelings they had for us and the M / R are still there, pushed down (self preservation). Human nature dictates they need to grieve.

Remember as well that the WAS is hurting, feeling guilty etc. You can't possibly love yourself when you feel like that unless you forgive yourself. If you can't love yourself, any love for another is faked.

Could you go out right now and fall in love with somebody else however wonderful they were in bed (which is a big thing for WAS's), to your kids, to you? I know I couldn't.

That would be very tough to deal with a WAW getting preg esp so soon. But, yes, we have no control over any of that. Stupid out of control decisions that they make.

W always wanted kids. I gave her the run around a little about it (not intentionally I was fighting for my D at the time and I was confused, depressed and deeply hurt). We had been trying for 9 months before she walked away. I cannot believe that she has given up that dream overnight.

I think she is pregnant. Time will tell. I will be the last to know anyway.

[newmama]

Daybyday, your WH still loves you. How could he not? I know it's hard to think that someone could love 2 people at once, but remember his love for OW is "adolescent like"..."luv." And he has 20 years of history, family and mature love with you.

Keep doing new things because he thinks he knows you inside out, so surprise him. Your kids will mention it and it will be on your facebook page.

Shock the hell out of him by doing what you're doing--not reacting. Not chasing. Appearing strong--"Oh Well. I am not done living my dreams. Going to take these classes and meet new people (I LOVE that about college). I will be okay; I'm an attractive, confident, interesting, nurturing, talented woman and am very capable of meeting someone else."

Inside, you may be feeling the opposite but keep repeating this and you will believe it. (it is true though!)

Have you seen the movie, "The Women?" With Meg Ryan? Watch it--her H leaves her for an OW after 15-20 years of M and you can be inspired by how she handles it. It may hurt in parts but has a good message.

[Day by Day]

P17 & newmama... Thank you for your support and encouragement. Being NC is so very hard and WAH's silence alternates between torture and relief for me.

I have been working on accepting moving on as the only thing left for me. I'll be looking tonight for the movie newmama. And I'm hearing so much that I'll be a better person once I'm on the other side of this, that seems like I have to believe it. Logically it makes sense, but not emotionally. This cr@p has really put a dent in my self-esteem.

But, I am off to work on GAL and having dinner with my new friends tonight.

Thanks again. I so appreciate your support.

[newmama]

Daybyday,
You are also an example and role model for your friends and family members who haven't dealt with this before.

Sadly, my SIL went through this before me and she was destroyed--neglected her bills, did so poorly at work they told her to take some time off, cried all day and night, lost 20 pounds when she is already thin, couldn't take care of her boys. But despite how badly she took it, even she bounced back, had a boyfriend for awhile, and now 2.5 years later, her exH wants to remarry her. (BTW her ex acted similar to your WH during his A.)

So she showed me both what not to do(don't stop paying bills, ignore your kids or give up at work--I got some sleeping pills and anti-d's) but also proved that if she could get through this so could I. She didn't get a chance to learn about affairs before he divorced her. I am getting the chance and sharing the info with friends and family.

So, feel proud of how you are handling this with grace, confidence and trying to avoid divorce!

[Day by Day]

NC update.

WAH sent me an email asking if we are still going to go to counseling. He had stated that the counseling is so we can co-parent properly, not for fixing our marriage AND the next session is for him to come clean about the A to me. I do not want to get hurt further.

He also wished me luck in the half marathon I'm running tomorrow and "wished me all the best".

Just when I accepted to stick to the NC for myself, he emails me. And I had dreams about him last night. Ugh. I don't know whether to answer back, ignore him, accept going to counseling, etc. Don't know what to interpret from his email and need to protect myself.

[P17]

Just when I accepted to stick to the NC for myself, he emails me. And I had dreams about him last night. Ugh. I don't know whether to answer back, ignore him, accept going to counseling, etc. Don't know what to interpret from his email and need to protect myself.

If you don't want to go to counselling, and I'm not sure why you want to do it just to co-parent properly (you're parenting fine, he walked out and left the kids) then I would ignore the email.

It sounds a little like he wants counselling to ease his conscience, to tell you all about the A. If you know there is an A then what is there to tell, from your side?

So, first thing is ignore the email just now. Decide whether you want counselling and then arrange it if you do. If you don't just ignore the email. Responding to it will just prolong the email conversation.

Ignoring the email will give you a tremendous sense of power. Or at least, it did for me.

[Day by Day]

I guess I'm not detached enough yet. Trying to be honest here. You are right, darn it. I am parenting fine, he's the one who left us. And yes, why should I help him ease his conscience at my expense.

But I'm afraid of what not answering will do. That I should be cordial and respond with thanks for the well wishes? Ugh. I guess not. Maybe I should just stick with not answering and he needs to try harder? I'm confused.

Doesn't feel like not answering gives me power. Makes me afraid of the consequences instead.