Wasting A Whole Year

[Cautious]

Okay, after taking some time (okay a lot of time) to settle myself down, I am back.

It took me a long time to start really DBing. So much so that our divorce is now on file. It will likely go through as planned, in fact, but I never needed to be married, specifically, just to be with the person I love most in the world... which is exactly what I'm working toward now.

I went on the rollercoaster for over a year, but we really just needed a lot of time apart. Time to think things through, time to accept that neither of us were perfect, etc. It seemed like I needed more time than him, but (as you'll soon read) I think he needed just as much time.

So I thought I was done. I thought I was moving on. I thought, this is it, you're a single mom now, time to change back to the maiden name and move forward with your life and, with the exception of visitations, forget you ever had another half.

Some of you will remember that my husband and I married young, had a child right after H graduated college... all those things that everyone tells you contributes quickly to divorce. Well, they were right, in many ways. We both missed out on our youth. I guess we both caught up pretty quickly and realized, separately, that we weren't missing much. I'll admit I got into the party scene, and I'm quite sure that he did as well. Then I get the call...

After months of refusing to give any information as to where he would be and who he would be with... "I'm going fishing down at **********'s lake house this weekend, so I'll be gone from (time) to (time)." My brain's response: "What? Are you the same guy that was crying for privacy and space for months now?" My actual response "Okay, thank you for letting me know."

The day following, overwhelmed with school-related issues, I decided to text him and tell him that I could finally sympathize with some of the things I didn't previously understand about his job/school early in our relationship. Not even 5 minutes later, the phone rings. It's ex Cautious and he wants to chatter for a bit. Firetruck drove past (I know, don't talk and drive!), abruptly ending conversation. I spilled guts to Best Friend Ever before returning the call later that evening. It was lukewarm, but not rude/rushed/any other negativity, ex was just distracted. Politely excused self from conversation and decided it was a fluke.

Fast forward to visitation next day. More school-related drama ends up spilling out of my mouth. I try to backpedal and excuse myself from conversation, ex tries to get the full story out and I end the conversation. I really don't want him to know too much at this point. Ends with a HUG, even some hand movement on ex's part. Fireworks going off in my brain. I make a quick exit before I say/do something stupid.

Visitation again and ex has been in my head ALL day. I call some girls for support off and on during the day, only to be met with "Be careful" "I am" was the lie of the day. In reality, I know I'm falling - hard - and if I'm misreading these signals, I will crash - HARD. Everything goes decently well, at least I think so. Ex forgets S5's bookbag and has to travel home and back (in snow) to return it. Another hug.

That was yesterday. Today, I start adding it all up in my head: Hug + hug + probing conversation = try to ask him out. Someone check my math, I probably forgot to divide by S5's shoe size or something. So, I'll admit I'm not totally oozing with confidence at this point (nothing but fighting and rejection for a year will do that to a person). I didn't have the guts to ASK... you know, verbally. So I texted: Would u like 2 have dinner with me?

5 minutes felt like 5 hours (swear I am back in high school again). The phone RANG. (Let me remind you this is the second time I've sent a text and recieved a phone call in return) Polite decline, with a repeated theme: Not today (my own emphasis added). Waiting until Sunday to extend a new invite, as convo went really well this evening.

So, I'm looking for a weigh in/someone to check my calculations. Am I reading the signals right? I know that it's long and probably hard to follow since my brain can't seem to sit still right now no matter what. If you need an explanation, I'll try my best, I'm kind of a sarcastic/humorous person so you have to take that into account as well.