Puppy- How do you say to someone who doesn't really care what you think, "I will not live in an open marriage?" I know as far as he's concerned, our marriage is already over in his eyes and he can "do whatever he wants". I mean, do I just say it and give him the ultimatum to end it or leave? I guess I'm just not sure how to set that when I already know that he won't care what I say, he's not ending it. He doesn't flaunt it, he doesn't call her or text when he's home in my or daughter's presence, he takes cash out of the bank so I don't even see where he's going, I just don't know how to set that boundary?
It's a great question, and it comes up here often.
You lay out sub-boundaries underneath your Main Boundary of "I will not live in an open marriage." (and it's OK to keep that Main Boundary out there, just in case they think you've wavered on it, but yeah, I know, they are flaunting it, but then again they don't know your deadline, either. You should add in a few "I won't wait forever"s to the mix).
Small boundaries -- mine were:
1) "I will not in any way financially enable your affair." I cut off paying for her tummy-tuck Visa payment, her cellphone, haircoloring (still paid for basic wet cut), lingerie, etc. Paid only for her basic needs (she was a SAHM, earning only a very small income as a personal trainer).
2) "No texting or calling OM from inside of our home."
3) "No texting or calling OM in front of the boys (our sons), WHEREVER you are."
4) "If you're going to be out that late again (she had come home at 3am once, after telling me "I won't be late"), don't bother coming home, as I will lock up the house, turn out the lights, and turn the alarm on." (she never did it again)
5) "NO MORE DECEIT." (this was laid out 60 days in, as I had just HAD it with her lying to me, our adult children, and her own parents. I told her she had to either tell them the truth, or I would, and I would show them my evidence, and that she had 5 minutes to decide)
These sub-boundaries might be different for each person, but those were mine. It should whatever things YOU simply cannot abide, as a matter of personal integrity.
