I meant I haven't flip flopped inside myself. From her point of view, am I flip flopping? She knows I didn't want her to leave. She knows I was heart broken over the loss of my family. I obviously wanted to try to save our M, but she could see me start to throw in the towel this summer. She was afraid she was losing me, so she'd reach out, and I'd soften, and she'd get reassurance that I was still in the game. She'd then go away again, I'd eventually get fed up, and I'd start to push for the separation again. That's been repeated a few times over the course of the year. Is that flip flopping? It's been in response to her. I want to save my M, but it takes two. I've reached the point where I don't trust her little overtures mean anything. Maybe I should have been here a long time ago, but I wasn't. So from her point of view, has she seen me flip flop? She can't see it's in response to her?
What is my plan from here on out? I need to see how she reacts. If she totally digs in and refuses to go to mediation, then eventually I'll have to sit her down and ask why. At that point, I'll be open to whatever she says.
If she makes a serious declaration that she doesn't want our M to end, then I'll soften, but at that point, I'll have terms, i.e. transparency, attending Retrouvaille, etc. I'll be in the power position.
If she goes along and attends mediation, and signs the separation agreement without serious protest, then I have my legal security, and she has shown me she really does want a D. The one year clock then starts ticking. This game gets played out again in one year when I push to finalize the D. If she goes along again, then my M is over.
SMQ, you seem aprehensive about what I've done. What do you think I should have done? We've been living apart for a year. She could keep us in limbo for another year, or two, or three, until she feels good enough and secure enough and confident enough to D me on her terms. Like I said, my only hope for true reconciliation is to do this on my terms. Do you not agree?
