how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think your wording sounds fine.

I do think it kind of sucks that you tried to send him something light and fun, and he shot back with the one subject you FOUGHT about the last time, but I'd just let that lie.

Puppy

[soleil]

As for the bills, don't get too wordy with him. Email him back and say you've already taken care of them. Do not elaborate. Do not give him that edge.
As for the mail, write "Return to Sender." Reading that really made my skin crawl, that the OW has mail coming to your marital home. Gosh. Some people have NO shame. But whatever, return it and get on with your life.

I know you said you're embarassed to go out in town but do it. Do not let that man have the power to make you stay at home. Get out, do your errands, have fun. It's great that you took up a 10K mile. Do your thing, smile, even if you don't feel it.

I also have to think about why knowing how hurt I am makes me look unattractive? Wouldn't a guy want his partner to be upset that he walked out?

Our situations are flipped--I'm the one who left but I will tell you this story: A week before I moved out I came home to find him packing up boxes. I said, Are you moving? He said, "Yes & I don't have to tell you where I'm going."
Wanted to cry so badly but I just looked at him and said, "Fine. Leave all our tax information for me," and I walked out the door to have a good cry.
I came home and he was still t here, in our bed, asleep! I think he was really in a tizzy that I didn't lose my marbles.
Anyway a week later I left but that's a story for another time but what I'm saying is, you NOT reacting is going to make him cahhhrazy and in disbelief that you can and will get on with your life without him. And it will make you feel like a million bucks if you don't react to him, even if you are dying inside!

[avermont]

Thanks for the quick responses.

Puppy, the bill paying question from him was also in a very friendly manner--just like nuthin' had happened last time and ignoring that somehow bills got paid in November.

Soleil, I don't want to say that I have already taken care of them for December. One, because I haven't yet. Two, because one of the few things we agreed to do at the 10 minute "I'm leaving you" talk was "we'll pay the joint bills together." I think that maybe I am on the higher ground if I, at least, keep to that part of the agreement, even if he busted on that agreement in November. And also please realize that my 180 is to show less independence, more willingness to be open and share and commit to the R. Not that I will do all that in a bill-paying session! But to just cut him off with "I took care of it" is more of the same behavior from the R. So I am trying to balance being a good DB'er with "hey, look how open I am now" with NOT letting him off the hook for leaving and being in an affair.

In other words--am I setting up cake-eating for him to have me be all "act as if" I'm cool with the whole thing, sure I can handle the bills with you, then sure, go back and f**k the gf, hey no problem!

Soleil: the big prob in our R was my lack of showing affection, commitment, intimacy, so my big fear is that he totally EXPECTS me to be OK with him leaving--since clearly I never really cared, now did I? So it is hard for me to believe that he is really wondering how I am doing so well. I think he expects me to be able to do that. And that is what helped him walk-away--Avermont never really needed or cared for me in the first place...

It's all balance, right? Surely all the people out here with kids who have to see their WAS all the time are doing this balance all the time, right? Acting all OK, no prob that you walked out, have fun with the A, see ya!

So--find a neutral way to say the bills are going OK, but sure we can do them together if you prefer.

And for the mail--it was only one piece that came -thus far! and I am holding on to it for potential intel.

Thanks again for any further words of support or advice!

[Ready2Change]

Last night he responded to my email with a very friendly response. AND asked "where are the bills at? should we get together on that?"

"November bills are paid. December bills still need to be handled, when and where would you like to meet."

or

"November bills are paid. I will be handling December bills on the 10th. We could meet at Starbucks if you want to be involved."

or

....

[soleil]

Last night he responded to my email with a very friendly response. AND asked "where are the bills at? should we get together on that?"

"November bills are paid. December bills still need to be handled, when and where would you like to meet."

Perfect resonse, IMHO.

Avermont, he may not have thought you were very affectionate but you don't want to overdo it now with affection. Just be collected. It's not okay what he did but don't let him think you're losinig your mind without him.

[Ready2Change]

And also please realize that my 180 is to show less independence, more willingness to be open and share and commit to the R. Not that I will do all that in a bill-paying session! But to just cut him off with "I took care of it" is more of the same behavior from the R. So I am trying to balance being a good DB'er with "hey, look how open I am now" with NOT letting him off the hook for leaving and being in an affair.

Why not be more "open" and affectionate paying the bills?

One piece of advise, if you want a good 180, instead of sitting across the table, sit next to him. You are NOT playing chess, you are working together. Body language is very important. Use it.

[avermont]

Great advice.

'November bills are paid. We can do December bills the week of the 13th, as they should all be in by then. When and where would you like to meet?"

I did sit next to him when we paid the bills in October, mostly because we were trying to look at the laptop together. Then the cat jumped into his lap and without thinking I petted the cat which sort of involved touching him....just froze and pulled back. Contact was NOT wanted and I didn't mean/want to give him any.

I was perfectly cheerful and wore my good fitting jeans. I will do the same for the next bill paying.

I would prefer to do it out of the house, at the library, say, but asking him "where would you like to do it" gives him the option to choose an alternative place. I don't want to make it look like I am blocking his access to the house if I request we meet elsewhere.

Great, thanks!

[chatterbug]

"November bills are paid. December bills still need to be handled, I will be at this place and this time.

But I thought you were going No contact ?

Confused in cutterland

[avermont]

Well... I cracked and sent a little funny email on Monday.

And he replied nicely, and asked about the bills.

We had agreed to pay joint bills together, so I want to keep to my end of that bargain.

So, yes, I broke the NC instead of being strong enough to see if he would wake up and realize bills had to be paid. Smack me with a 2x4.

[pearlharbr]

IMHO, you need to stop waffling. One minute you're going dark, the next minute you're sending funny emails. Stick to one plan long enough for it to sink in. Just because you don't get immediate results doesn't mean it's not working.