OK, I was with you thru just about all of this, but now you've COMPLETELY confused me, as these two paragraphs completely contradict each other:
Originally Posted By: oldtimer
Again, my point is to suggest to RTGU that she resist the urge to force and even coerce an end to the A or to throw his sorry butt out immediately. There are alternatives that don't make the A the centerpiece, the obsession, the thing the LBS focuses on and tries to control. And it is those alternatives that will be more productive.
Even if they take the shape of: "I am only willing to live with you if you are not involved with other women." FINE
Either you advocate ending all contact ("affair-busting") first -- making that your main boundary -- or you advocate pushing it to the background and focusing on other things first.
I thought you were advocating the latter, but now I'm confused.
MY main point isn't ideological or even theoretical. It's PHYSIOLOGICAL. Because affairs are highly addictive, one needs to separate the addict (the wayward spouse) from the source of their addiction (the OM/OW), before any real progress can be made. Yes, there are simultaneous things the betrayed spouse can do, but they are mainly financial/legal (protection), and working on themselves (GAL). But don't look for a wayward spouse to be emotionally open to those changes while they're still in contact with their affair partner, cuz they're not.
