"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you." - Neil Young.
Time to start a new thread. Here's a summary of my situation:
Married 4 years, (after 2 years of friendship & 3 years dating). No kids. Me- 50 H - 67. Probable one sided romantic obsession.
H emotionally abusive since we got married.(mostly covert/withholding/passive aggressive type). Sex & romance hit the skids. The last year of our marriage saw major improvement though when we both doing Stosny's “Love without Hurt” program.
Early August, H left for a business trip & vacation in Europe. I was going to join him for a couple of weeks. Once he was in Europe, he started acting like a real jerk towards me. I decided I did not feel comfortable being with him over there while he was acting this way. I decided to move out while he was gone, but hoping this would be a wake up call to him and still hoping to save the marriage, but needing to live apart from him for my own emotional well being.I was going to tell him the net time he called, which I predicted would be after a certain big event he was preparing for. Days after the event, he still hadn't called.
I did a little internet searching and found out that a female business colleague he had pursued, unsuccessfully, 10 years ago was at the event. When H and I were just pals, he had told me how he had been obsessed with her and pursued her for a couple of years until she finally had to tell him, "look I really like you as a friend but that's all." It wasn't until she got a steady BF that he gave up. Industry reports said she & H were working together on new project, (which he had no plans for when he left). My hunch is that she was no longer with BF so he decided to give it another shot.
36 hours before I was supposed to leave for Europe, H emailed me saying he didn't want me to come, blaming it on my "hostility" towards him.
per gucci's recommendation, I replied:
Quote:
"Just got your email. I agree with you totally. Matter of fact I have also been doing some thinking and came to the same conclusions you have. I cancelled my ticket a few days ago. I have been debating when to tell you, but it looks like we have both been thinking the same things regarding our relationship. I didn't want you to be mad that I wasn't coming, but I agree with you in that this is the best thing for both of us......"
He wrote back expressing relief and saying he didn't want to hurt my feelings any more than he already had. (what a prince huh?)
He had originally planned to return in late Sept. He wrote and asked if I minded if he stayed longer. I said it was fine with me, that I was enjoying the time apart.
We have communicated only via email, mostly about joint financial matters. He would write me from time to time about his various adventures (never mentioning 'her' though). I just ignored these emails and dealt with business in a friendly way.
I rented an apartment in October, not knowing when he would return. I still live in the marital abode (which he owns) but have slowly been moving stuff to my apartment.
Yesterday H wrote saying he is beginning to wind things down there. He said that a friend in yet another european country has invited him for Christmas. Then he said:
"I don't know how you stand. You haven't said. Back for Christmas important for you? or back for Christmas annoying for you or what? probably i didn't guess the right word, eh?"
I kind of like that he doesn't know where I stand. No, I haven't said, and notice that he isn't saying where he stands either.
In truth, the only reason it would matter to me to have him in town for Christmas is that if he is here, I wouldn't have to line up a dog sitter to go out of town.
I haven't told H I am moving out yet. I wanted the time and space to transition without him knowing. I also thought possibly my leaving might matter more to him when he is back here in "real life", where he has several boxes of unopened mail, has to grocery shop, clean, walk the dog, pay bills, etc. For the past 4 months he has been living the high life in situations where he gets a lot of professional recognition, seeing old friends, living in the guest quarters of billionares, and being near 'Her'.
I also calculated that him staying away longer would give more opportunity for her to shoot him down again or an actual relationship to happen, which would effectively end his fantasies I think.
I am trying to be "friendly". I am really hoping that he will follow through on his commitment to help me with some massive dental bills I have coming up. I don't know how I will manage it otherwise.
So the immediate question is how to respond to his email re: Christmas. A related issue is how and when to tell him I am moving out.
