"Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you." - Neil Young.
Time to start a new thread. Here's a summary of my situation:
Married 4 years, (after 2 years of friendship & 3 years dating). No kids. Me- 50 H - 67. Probable one sided romantic obsession.
H emotionally abusive since we got married.(mostly covert/withholding/passive aggressive type). Sex & romance hit the skids. The last year of our marriage saw major improvement though when we both doing Stosny's “Love without Hurt” program.
Early August, H left for a business trip & vacation in Europe. I was going to join him for a couple of weeks. Once he was in Europe, he started acting like a real jerk towards me. I decided I did not feel comfortable being with him over there while he was acting this way. I decided to move out while he was gone, but hoping this would be a wake up call to him and still hoping to save the marriage, but needing to live apart from him for my own emotional well being.I was going to tell him the net time he called, which I predicted would be after a certain big event he was preparing for. Days after the event, he still hadn't called.
I did a little internet searching and found out that a female business colleague he had pursued, unsuccessfully, 10 years ago was at the event. When H and I were just pals, he had told me how he had been obsessed with her and pursued her for a couple of years until she finally had to tell him, "look I really like you as a friend but that's all." It wasn't until she got a steady BF that he gave up. Industry reports said she & H were working together on new project, (which he had no plans for when he left). My hunch is that she was no longer with BF so he decided to give it another shot.
36 hours before I was supposed to leave for Europe, H emailed me saying he didn't want me to come, blaming it on my "hostility" towards him.
per gucci's recommendation, I replied:
Quote:
"Just got your email. I agree with you totally. Matter of fact I have also been doing some thinking and came to the same conclusions you have. I cancelled my ticket a few days ago. I have been debating when to tell you, but it looks like we have both been thinking the same things regarding our relationship. I didn't want you to be mad that I wasn't coming, but I agree with you in that this is the best thing for both of us......"
He wrote back expressing relief and saying he didn't want to hurt my feelings any more than he already had. (what a prince huh?)
He had originally planned to return in late Sept. He wrote and asked if I minded if he stayed longer. I said it was fine with me, that I was enjoying the time apart.
We have communicated only via email, mostly about joint financial matters. He would write me from time to time about his various adventures (never mentioning 'her' though). I just ignored these emails and dealt with business in a friendly way.
I rented an apartment in October, not knowing when he would return. I still live in the marital abode (which he owns) but have slowly been moving stuff to my apartment.
Yesterday H wrote saying he is beginning to wind things down there. He said that a friend in yet another european country has invited him for Christmas. Then he said:
"I don't know how you stand. You haven't said. Back for Christmas important for you? or back for Christmas annoying for you or what? probably i didn't guess the right word, eh?"
I kind of like that he doesn't know where I stand. No, I haven't said, and notice that he isn't saying where he stands either.
In truth, the only reason it would matter to me to have him in town for Christmas is that if he is here, I wouldn't have to line up a dog sitter to go out of town.
I haven't told H I am moving out yet. I wanted the time and space to transition without him knowing. I also thought possibly my leaving might matter more to him when he is back here in "real life", where he has several boxes of unopened mail, has to grocery shop, clean, walk the dog, pay bills, etc. For the past 4 months he has been living the high life in situations where he gets a lot of professional recognition, seeing old friends, living in the guest quarters of billionares, and being near 'Her'.
I also calculated that him staying away longer would give more opportunity for her to shoot him down again or an actual relationship to happen, which would effectively end his fantasies I think.
I am trying to be "friendly". I am really hoping that he will follow through on his commitment to help me with some massive dental bills I have coming up. I don't know how I will manage it otherwise.
So the immediate question is how to respond to his email re: Christmas. A related issue is how and when to tell him I am moving out.
I'm copying this reply Gnosis left on on my last thread:
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
Originally Posted By: Dudess
So this evening H writes me and says that he is beginning to wind things up there. He said that a friend in yet another european country has invited him for Christmas. Then he said:
"I don't know how you stand. You haven't said. Back for Christmas important for you? or back for Christmas annoying for you or what? probably i didn't guess the right word, eh?"
D, now that I've calmed down a bit from yesterday... I think he's telling you what his agenda is i.e. he won't be back for Xmas. Plan accordingly.
I'd say don't reply. He will probably repeat the pattern with a financial question and interjection with the Xmas thing in a follow up email.
Hmm... another idea is this... sidestep the issue and raise the dental bill with him. "H, I just received the dental bill for my teeth and need to pay it. You said you would assist, how should I proceed?" I don't know when your bill is due, but raise the issue. Just be business. See if you can get it taken care of. Make it an urgent issue... you know... like he does.
D, now that I've calmed down a bit from yesterday... I think he's telling you what his agenda is i.e. he won't be back for Xmas. Plan accordingly.
Then why is he asking me if I care? I don't get it.
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
Hmm... another idea is this... sidestep the issue and raise the dental bill with him. "H, I just received the dental bill for my teeth and need to pay it. You said you would assist, how should I proceed?" I don't know when your bill is due, but raise the issue.
Unfortunately, the major costs are for work which has not been done yet, but which needs to be done over the next few months.
"You can do what you want for Christmas, I have my own plans."
How about: "It's not important to me that you be here for Christmas. Please let me know if you decide to return before Christmas because I won't need a housesitter if you do. Otherwise, have fun in cold, dark, country."
"You can do what you want for Christmas, I have my own plans."
How about: "It's not important to me that you be here for Christmas. Please let me know if you decide to return before Christmas because I won't need a housesitter if you do. Otherwise, have fun in cold, dark, country."
I replied to him, basically as I stated above. He replied with this:
Quote:
Dudess, as it seems to you now, in your opinion, would it be a realistic statement to say that it looks like we are not going to stay together?
I ask for purposes of reality check.Just so we could both be realistic in planning our lives.
I`d appreciate knowing how it is for you at the moment.
I am quite certain this is NOT "Just so we could both be realistic in planning our lives." More likely it is a weak man's way of telling me that he doesn't want to stay together but hoping he doesn't have to say that directly. He keeps making this easier for me. If he actually did something I could respect, the split would be harder for me.
I suspect that he has avoided thinking about the situation and now that he is preparing to return, he is facing the reality that I am here - in the house. One reason I have not told him that I am moving is that it could work to my advantage for him to ask me to move. He owns the house we live in. Under the law in my state, a spouse who is the sole owner of the marital home can't kick the other one out without a court order.
If I were to make him get such an order, it is common for the spouse who owns the home to pay rent for the one who leaves during the pendency of the divorce. It would probably take at least 90 days to get me gone via court order. A better alternative would be for him to say, "I think it is best we don't live together so if you will move, without forcing me to go to court to make it happen, I will pay your rent for X number of months."
My inclination is to make no response to his email and see what his next move is. I am open to other ideas of course.
Again this is just me & my own vibe given the posts you've submitted thus far, this has all been reduced to a financial situation, there are no feelings between the 2 of you, you both seem pretty much indifferent to each other, it's possible gets that vibe from you as much as you get it from him, and that's not very exciting for either of you, hence the negative attitude, the animosity, etc.
Honestly, do you want your husband back? And if you want him back is it because of the financial security he offers or because you love him.
Time to be honest about this.
Your posts no longer involve divorce busting as far as I can see it, they just seem about someone looking for some cash to pay bills and a way to move on from their married life and that's cool if that is the case and you're honest about it.
If he doesn't love you anymore and you've db'd to the best of your ability for a lengthy amount of time, maybe it's time to just move on with your life and prepare for the next great relationship.
Honestly, do you want your husband back? And if you want him back is it because of the financial security he offers or because you love him.
Time to be honest about this.
Your posts no longer involve divorce busting as far as I can see it, they just seem about someone looking for some cash to pay bills and a way to move on from their married life and that's cool if that is the case and you're honest about it.
If he doesn't love you anymore and you've db'd to the best of your ability for a lengthy amount of time, maybe it's time to just move on with your life and prepare for the next great relationship.
robx, I think the most likely outcome is divorce and I am prepared to move on. Yes, right now, my primary concern is ensuring that I have what I need financially. To do otherwise would be foolhardy. I did love my husband and I still do, in a different way. I did not marry him for financial security and would not stay with him for financial reasons. It is beginning to sound like you have a real problem with me looking out for myself financially, as if wanting to be able to pay for my dental work, thereby draining some miniscule sum from my multi-millionare husband makes me a gold digger. Geeze.
You have continued to ask me the same questions repeatedly, and telling me to be honest. I am being honest. In the future, if I don't respond to your questions, it will likely be because I have already addressed your question multiple times already.
I addressed your comment re: DB'ing on my previous thread. Don't know if you saw it.
I don't have any problem, I'm just saying that lately, none of what you do really sounds like divorce busting, that is my opinion.
When he asked you about your relationship and what your thoughts were about christmas, why not tell him that it would have been nice if he were home for christmas, I'm sure he senses that there is nothing home to come home to.
[You have continued to ask me the same questions repeatedly, and telling me to be honest. I am being honest. In the future, if I don't respond to your questions, it will likely be because I have already addressed your question multiple times already.
Yes I know, and you have continued to tell us all about your dental bills repeatedly and how you want him to ask you to move out so that he can pay your rent repeatedly so I'm assuming I'm allowed to say things a few times as well ;-)
