Who I am, affection without hesitations or need for reciprocity.
Today is day 1.
Awesome. I hope everything you do is from a place of confidence and not sh*t eating. YOU are making the choice and YOU are way more in charge than she is.
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What kind of support would you have wanted? Please be specific.
I was gonna say more time with girl friends and then you pretty much identified that. So, maybe try to make time for her to get out once in a while with girl friends, sisters...
I lost a parent as a teenager so that was a bit different. Mostly I wanted someone to understand that things were NOT okay. Just to relate and accept that it was a tough, painful time. I doubt that changes as an adult. I wanted to feel that my father's life mattered, that his suffering was not just an aggravation for everyone peripherally involved (mom and stepfather).
When her mother dies, your wife moves up to matriarch, even if she has siblings, she is now moving into a new role and closer to her own mortality. I have only watched friends go through that and it is a major shift.
I think trying to fix the situation or make it better is futile. Just help her embrace the suck. Not with pity but with validation and I obviously think, less words, more "I got it" glances and behaviors. That's "I got it" and "I get it." Do the best you can and whatever you do, don't blame yourself if she's falling apart or checking out. It is not about you.
Whenever you offer help or support, make it manly, not mousy.
Mrs. T is out for the evening - a class she teaches then a girls evening out.
So the boys and I are at home rocking out to Nirvana on volume 11. They are having a ball with it. Their mom always has music on, but it's more like "the Fray" or something else from the "Grays Anatomy" soundtrack, so they are having fun jumping around to heavy grunge.
...and I've been having a ball!!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Every time I get unhappy or things go downward in my sitch, it starts out with me thinking to myself "I need..." or "I deserve..." -- when in reality I don't.
Want? - yes
"Would be nice"? - yes
Need? ... I can be happy without.
Deserve?... What make me think that? - Leads only to blame and resent.
Last edited by Thinker; 12/03/0903:36 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Hey dude, how about you treat yourself in some small way today? I don't know what it should be but even a magazine you like or a latte or some time...you do deserve that.
Hey dude, how about you treat yourself in some small way today? I don't know what it should be but even a magazine you like or a latte or some time...you do deserve that.
No issues, do that all the time.
Last night I actually took the evening off and went into the big city to meet some friends.
Also, last year I set up a system where I pull a small amount of money out of the general family fund each month and put into a separate bank accounts for each myself and my W. This is then "mad money" - use it for whatever you want - and neither of us have to feel guilty for spending whatever is there on ourselves.
The thought I was referring to are actually more along the lines of :
"I need ______ from her"
"I need her to _______"
"I deserve ________ from her"
I don't NEED anything that I can't take care of myself.
Last edited by Thinker; 12/03/0905:24 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, I read an article on Stonsy's blog addressed to men (google it, he is great from the booksof his I read). He wrote an article with the title Compassion Vs Trust. He opens the article with the question "When are you more powerful, when you are mad or when you are compassionate?". You can figure out the answer. I think, even if you are not mad, you can replace the word with hesitant, anxious, tired, disappointed, it would still make sense in your case. K
Just got a call from Mrs. T asking me out on a date tonight - dinner, and then either a movie or some joint christmas shopping.
In the same conversation, she asked if we could all stay home tomorrow night, get a Christmas tree, and decorate the house and tree as a family.
...
OK...
No pressure from me.
Enjoy!
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
