How are things going with your counselor? Anxiety, obsession cloud what the core issues are.
Imagine me yanking your hair. "Ow, that hurts." I yank it again. It still hurts. I yank again. It hurts and you're looking at me. I keep yanking. You keep wondering what's going on. Finally you tell me to stop.
That is what you're doing to yourself. You keep yanking at what hurts, it gets stuck in your brain, twists your heart and leads to confusion.
All along you've wanted him to make it right, that he didn't have to do much to bring the feelings back.
Sweet Maria.. perhaps it's time for you to get healthy for you. Do what it takes to be centered and grounded as an individual. Put him on hold. Let him find you.
Everything about his relationship with her is a live wire for you. Trade in the car, get a different one. Burn everything he acquired while with her. No matter what is done the message I see is that whatever he does or doesn't do is enough to ease the betrayal and distrust you feel toward him.
Get yourself healthy first, my dear friend. Take care of you.
If it feels right, do it. If it feels wrong, don't. If you can't decide or waffle, the answer is no.
Find a professional to help you define healthy boundaries. You've been living life in a popcorn maker too long.
Do go away alone. Spend time just having time for yourself. See something different. Get a new perspective. Being out of your routine helps break the routine.
Three years is a long time to living in an emotional blender. Take care of you. The rest will follow.
Hey Katie, I am pretty healthy, I think. Mentally I mean. You have to understand that I am using this board the best way I can think of, venting, asking for help, advice, looking for perspective, when I am down and feel really frustrated. So, it's not as if my life is where it was when he left or anything like that.
I am taking care of myself, still making things with my hands, going out with friends, reading, enjoying my kids. But I AM in a situation that is frustrating. And I am no different than anyone else dealing with infidelity. There is A LOT accept, understand, put together. When I feel really low, I read about it and it seems I am going thru the normal stages anticipated in situations like this.
I am trying to be more open with what I feel without being harsh with him. Because THAT wouldnt help us, would it? I am learning how to feel free to set my boundaries which was easier when he was "gone" but more tricky when we are talking about a "living" relationship. I could be pushing and pushing and all that, but I always stop and think of what would it get me.
Sometimes I just want to let it all out to him. I feel better, for a while at least.He is going thru the normal phases as well. He wants all this behind us, wishes I would "forget" and worries if we will make it, if the damage is repairable. Granted he is a "slow" person, his actions are hapening a lot slower than what I would wish.
I am working on "connecting" with him again. I am trying to use my humor and what FG said the other day. I think it is working. The last few days, he is constantly MMSing pics form S Africa, decsribing what he sees and does. Stays in contact all through the day. I have been a bit anxious. Mainly because I am not "done" with her in our present.And I told him that last night. He asked me to believe him NOW as he put it. He said he understands but that I should try to believe him. He walks on eggshels now. A few times I thought he would blow up and say "enough, I cant deal with your insecurities". He surprises me with being more attentive when I am "low" and express my frustration. Every single time, I expect him to tell me to stop, every single time, even when he does get upset for a few minutes, he shows patience.
I dont know if it is really possible for a couple to get over infidelity. I have an example in my life, a case much worse than ours, but I really dont know how the woman did it.
I realised last night, what bothers me some times is that I am scared to dream a future with this man. It seems all my "plans" are short term plans. Dont even go beyond...2-3 weeks. So I guess I am living the day by day scenario.
I think if he manages to TELL me things which may sound cliches, like "I love you, I made a mistake, I [censored] up, I am here to stay etc etc", it will make a big difefrence for me. And I know that my "ready to end it" approach isnt helping him. As a male friend of mine told me "when you have [censored] up so much, you feel stupid to say words like that, worrying the other person will take it as an insult...". Who knows...
On Sunday I am putting the tree up and will go with the kids to pick him up from the airport. On Wed it is our anniversary and our D's birthday. UEFA asked him to work that day and I he really had no choice. Last year "he thought about doing something, but...didnt" as he told the MC. We'll see what happens this year. K
Hi K, I find that I'm going through the very same emotions you're experiencing. It is natural to go through these stages but I wonder when it will end and things can become more "normal" again. I can relate to your list and realize I need most of those things as well. The fact I haven't gotten them has kept me stuck and I'm having a hard time becoming unstuck. Funny, I'm picking up H (away for 4 days) from the airport on Sunday too.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
