Starting a new thread because my sitch has changed.
I’ve had a feeling in my gut that something was going on. Not too long before W separated (moved out) she connected with an old high school friend via FaceBook – a class reunion thing. She said they were great friends in high school but never dated. And, she also said, “We wondered later why we never dated.”
They were instantly buddies. Calling and texting. Started working out together, which didn’t alarm me. I have a female workout partner. We own the gym and everything seemed out in the open.
I won’t go into all the red flags. I’ll cut to the chase.
W has always been absent minded about her cell. Always leaving it some place or can’t find it. Lately it never leaves her, even when she works out.
Last month I looked at the cell bill online. Didn’t think I saw anything alarming. Recently I went back to look at the most recent statement but I couldn’t log in. She had changed the password. Because she pays the business bills, and the cell bill is paid by the business, I think she thought I would never notice.
Yesterday morning I texted her saying I wanted to make sure my mom and sisters were on our friends and family plan but couldn’t log in. I asked if she had experienced trouble logging in.
“No. Your mom and sisters are on the plan.”
“Okay. Still, strange that I can’t log in. I’ll contact the cell company.”
Tried contacting the cell company but they wouldn’t deal with me without our “billing account password”, which I don’t have. So, I texted W asking for it. No response.
Later in the day I see her at the gym and ask if she got my text. “No.” Then, “Wha…why do you need it?” I said, “Well, it is a joint account and a business expense (business expenses are to remain transparent), and if God forbid you get hit by a bus I need access to that sort of thing.” “Uh, it…it must have been one the passwords I changed. I’ll get it to you later.” She’s lying. Both of us are the world’s worst about not changing passwords on things like that. We’ve the same two or three for everything for years. Now, I already know what I am going to find.
She texted me about something that evening and in my response I asked again for the password. An hour later I get an email with some cock and bull story about being on the phone with tech support and finally getting the “password problem” figured out, but I got the password.
No wonder she didn’t want to give it to me. I know OM’s cell number because he listed on our friends and family plan. Isn’t that dandy. 95% of the calls only last one or two minutes, but often multiple calls throughout a given day. Lots of Monday, 11:00 p.m. – Tuesday, 7:30 a.m. “Good night…Good morning.” It’s so freaking obvious.
She’s probably crapping all over herself right now hoping I won’t look closely at the bill.
What do I do now?
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Print a copy of the bill so you have it in a file. It's always good to have a hard copy of everything that may possibly be relevant in future legal proceedings. I don't mean to be a downer but better safe than sorry.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
First stop looking at the bill - Your gut was right and now you have it in black & white.
Does your wife still live outside your home? I have read your other thread and didn't see that she had moved back in.
Let her crap all over herself right now while you decide what it is you want to do with the information you have.
Thanks, Serenity.
W is still living BIL. Trying not to look at the bill. After the initial shock I thought, “Don’t react. Time your time. Get advice. Think this through. Figure out the next step.”
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Print a copy of the bill so you have it in a file. It's always good to have a hard copy of everything that may possibly be relevant in future legal proceedings. I don't mean to be a downer but better safe than sorry.
PH –
First thing I did was print out the bill. Then sat down and highlighted every call.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Two choices. #2 is better than #1, but you have to have the stomach for it.
#1. You confront her now, and say "Look, I know all about you and _______ (OM), and it needs to stop. This is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family."
Ordinarily, this will work, because a cheating spouse won't know what you know, and so long as you refuse to reveal your intel, and you're a good bluffer, they think "Oh chit -- he knows about my hook-up at the hotel, or he knows about my STD test result," or whatever. Even tho all you got is the cellphone activity (and not even its content). But since your wife already has been flagged on the cellphone account, you're just going to get a "Oh, he's just a friend," which is a pretty cheeseless tunnel, in my experience. More on that if you choose to go this route.
#2. GATHER MORE INTEL. Keylogger on her computer, voice-activated recorder under the front seat of her car, hire a PI (preferred, but expensive). It WILL yield fruit, but you're going to have to be patient because they're probably going to be real careful for the next few weeks, since you asked about the cellphone bill.
The other thing you could do would be to pull of the world's best acting job, like nothing is bothering you, and then wait for her to leave her phone lying around, unlocked, so you can see the CONTENT of text messages (I'm guessing her TMs are thru the roof???).
If it were me, I'd act as if nothing were bothering me, so she'll get careless and think she's in the clear, and I'd use the next month to gather as much intel as I could, and then I would CONFRONT and EXPOSE.
I gotta head home for dinner with the family, and then my wife and I are overdue for a long walk (rained last nite, and Puppy is out of shape!). I'll try to check in with you afterwards, tho.
Deep breaths, buddy. Tell yourself "THERE'S NOTHING I HAVE TO DO ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW."
FWIW if I had to do it all over I would act as if nothing was bothering me, get more information and really plan my approach. That is a lotta acting, though. If you can pull it off it might be worth it.
