Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

Thanks so much everybody for your input. I am trying really hard at patience right now. My MC disagrees. He feels that this is time now to sit down with H and discuss the situation, not only for my sake but for the children's.

I would at least get through the holiday season first. This time of year is stressful enough for everybody.

My S3 is very confused, he asked daddy last night if he is coming home after hockey and why he doesn't stay at Aunties house anymore. H simply told him that he lives here now, and he will be sleeping here again every night. He asked S3 if that makes him happy and S3 said "yes daddy". It breaks my heart to be doing this to the children when I have no idea what is going on, why he is here, how long he is staying. All I know is if he leaves again, it will destroy my son, he is constantly asking for daddy while he is at work, or playing hockey, cause he just wants that feeling that daddy is here for good, and the worst part is I can't even reassure him, cause I know just as much as the three year old does!

It's your husband's choice as to what to tell the kids. It may very well be that he does plan to stay and work on things, but hasn't come around to talking to you about it yet.

Its too unhealthy for me and my children to give them false hope, and I don't know. All I know is I don't think my H will initiate any R talk. I think he is trying to slowly slide back into the groove of things. Well that isn't going to work either. THere is no healthy marriage coming out of that at all.

Heh. Here is about where I'm running out of ideas, because you are about caught up with me now.

Like I said, wait until you're through the holidays to initiate any R talk. You are right in that you deserve a solid answer as to if he is willing to work on sorting this out. But it's only been three days.

I would say, keep on with keepin' on. It'll be harder to Act As If, so step up your 180 efforts and GALing.

If you want, ask your husband to do something for the holidays (pick out a tree, go sightseeing at the neighborhood Christmas decorations, etc.) and make it clear that it's for the kids, or has no strings attached; if he says no, go and do it anyway.

Someone here once said that in the early days of your relationship, you probably didn't spend all of your time talking about "what does this mean?" and "where is this leading?" -- so think of it as dating him all over again.

I was sitting at the table eating breakfast staring into space wondering what to do today and my S3 looks at me and says " mommy, are wondering if daddy is coming home?" My made heart skip a beat.

I don't have any good suggestions here, but I'd just point out that your kids' questions are likely to be fairly predictable; so think about how you want to respond to it next time it comes up.

H called yesterday morning from work to see how the boys were doing and told me he wouldn't be home for supper, he is going to workout and go straight to hockey. Well, seven rolls around, he calls and asks what's for supper. Ugh. Nothing idiot, you told me you weren't going to be home. He is totally using me.

Sounds like it's time for another boundary!

"I know that we have to get used to each other's schedules again, but it makes me feel disrespected when you change your plans with no notice. You said you weren't going to be home for dinner, then expected me to have it ready for you anyway."

It gets back to that respect == love thing again. If you don't get into the habit of calling him on that BS now -- and setting the expectation that he will get called on it -- it'll be a lot harder to do down the line.