Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Coach]

Save the apologies for when you REALLY do something boorish.

Makes sense. Oh and you will have plenty of opportunities to apologize. I still step on it with golf spikes!

[SoldierDad]

Ok, W just e-mailed me with this:
You cannot stop payment on my car H, its in your name you will only hurt your credit, and since we are not divorced yet that is a bill and you are responsible for it the car payment has to be made

Here is the deal. I did not stop payment on her car, the bank did, due to NSF. I am NOT responsible for all the bills-just the mortgage by Military reg. Yes the car is in my name. I told her when she started all this that she would be responsible for HER car. I am concerned about my credit, but it is her car. Thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If it's titled to you, and the credit (loan? lease?) is in your name, I'm afraid she's right.

[Coach]

I did not stop payment on her car, the bank did, due to NSF.

Is that because you have your DD into a new account?

Legally it probably doesn't matter what you told her she is responsible for. She can go out and ring up a bunch of debt and you would have to deal with it becuase you are married.

This is where you need legal advice.

[SoldierDad]

Coach, yes that is why. I have a active duty alert on my credit record, so she cannot open any new accounts or add on to any existing accounts. Also, SHE made the payment out of the joint account. I feel like she should pay her own car. It takes her out whenever she goes, and could be facilitating her A. I understand it is my credit, but I am almost convinced this could be a desperate attempt for me to make this payment for her, so that she could have more $$, and worry me about the credit thing. She makes enough money to make this payment. It is the ONLY thing I did not pay.

[Virtually_Handsome]

What Coach said. Depending on your state, while you are married, you can be responsible for any debt she rings up. Legal advice is required.

[TrentC]

Well, now that I have stepped in it. Any thoughts on what I can do/say for damage control?

Allow me to spout off for a minute here. (This isn't necessarily in response to what you did, SD, though it seems like you learned it the hard way...)

There is a reason why we all say things like:

"If you're going to send an email/letter, wait 48 hours then reread it. If it still seems like a good idea, then go ahead."

"If they start yelling or ranting at you, tell them you'll talk to them later and hang up or walk away."

"Learn to use phrases like 'I don't know how I feel about that; let me think about it and get back to you.'"

"When in doubt, do nothing."

There are always going to be times when you really can't help it. Maybe your spouse is screaming in your face about what a horrible person you are; maybe your kids are crying about why mom or dad won't come home and they just happen to call at that moment. We are human, we are fallible, and fighting to save our marriages and families puts us under an incredible amount of stress.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about giving in to the desire to write that email/letter/text msg and lay it all out. Or maybe you feel like grabbing the phone and letting them have it with both barrels.

But life is not a sitcom; there are very few sarcastic, witty, cutting statements or replies that will improve the situation. More than likely, you're just going to confirm to your spouse all of their feelings about you and the relationship: that you're immature, that you don't respect their feelings, that you're mean-spirited, etc. (And if you put it into a letter or email, then there is tangible proof that can be used against you later.)

As much as it sucks, we have to be the better person now.

It's important because anything you can do to change their perception of you can cause them to rethink their choices.

It's important because it teaches us to value our relationships and commitments, even when those relationships aren't running so smoothly. ("For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer...")

It's even important because it can have an impact on things like the courts deciding who gets what custody of children.

[SoldierDad]

VH, I understand. I just feel so strongly about this. Maybe it is because of how I feel about what she might be using the car for. Also, I feel like she can pay SOMETHING. I have paid ALL of the bills, including the insurance for her car. If I continue to "enable" her, aren't I facilitating her wishes to D? If the credit thing is what you are all thinking, I honestly don't think that she would NOT make that payment. That car is her baby, I can't see her letting it go back to the bank just to spite me, but then again...I dunno, I am confused.

[SoldierDad]

Trent, that is some outstanding advice. I need to learn to take a step back, think through the situation-just like I do while on mission, and then act. Being a good role model to my boys is of the utmost importance to me, and what I wrote to her, was not the model father. I have work to do in that area, as well as the importance of thinking through each and every situation. Thanks again for the thoughtful insight.

[mindfull]

SD - This time, cut yourself a break. But, the guys' advice is rock solid. I will say to give yourself credit for not inserting an expletive!