Regarding As, etc... From my perspective, your case illustrates my view perfectly.
You blew up W's A. Yes you did. You polluted her Rs with her kids and family with it. Sure, you made her A stop. But you coerced her into ending it. She did not freely choose to end it. She did not freely choose the M.
UNTIL, you had enough. You said FINE, move out, DATE if you want. Heck, we'll BOTH date. Gee, then suddenly, everything wasn't all about the A anymore. You weren't coercing her anymore. You FINALLY gave her enough space to figure out what she wanted. And guess what -- it wasn't her A-partner, it wasn't the guys she'd been flirting with. As soon as she had the space to make a genuine, free, uncoerced decision that YOU weren't trying to control, she realized that in fact she DID want to work on the M. And it was then that things really began to change for the two of you. YOU couldn't give her that space with an in-house separation.
Some people can. Perhaps RTGU can. It is darn hard. Clear financial/physical/emotional boundaries have to be in place and enforced, just as with a separation in which people live separately. Personally, I'd rather live separately. But, some people choose to try to do the in-house separation. Done the right way, it can work and might be bearable (yuck!). And, I sometimes think that for shorter marriages it might be the better way to go as the resolution of the bomb, whichever way it goes, will tend to come pretty quickly.
But, if it isn't a real separation with real freedom, if it is just doormatting, that isn't going to be good for anyone.
BTW, real freedom doesn't mean that you'd have to put up with dating while under the same roof. There could be a boundary like: we can share housing until one of us chooses to date, at which point we'd need to stop sharing housing. This is not coercion. On the other hand, this is coercion: We can share housing, but if you choose to date I'll throw you out, burn your stuff, and let your family know what kind of sick adulterer you are.
Love, intimacy, connection, commitment can only grow and flourish in a context in which the relationship is one that is truly freely chosen.
You let go of the A, you let go of the rope, you dropped the whip, you stopped moralizing, you gave W real space and freedom. THEN you got your W back, and a much better M with it (as far as I know.)
