Puppy, does the above response clarify my assertion of a boundry and the consequences. I thought this was pretty powerful on my part. It signals a strong stance something she has not seen much from me. Essentially I said, 'This is what I insist upon and if you are unwilling to accept these terms, then you will not get what you want.' It also put her between her cake and whether she can eat it too. The boundry was asserted in such a way to say that she cannot have both. Of course, she remains committed to having it and eating it and is exploring other ways to achieve that goal. But for me, I established firmly that I will not participate in the manner prescribed by her. The consequence is that she does not obtain the result that she wants. This is an important change. Heretofor, I have generally taken the tact that if I give her everything she wants, she is bound to respect me. She can't deny that the position I took last night is a substantial departure from my customary practice.
In fact, she has noticed a change in my attitude. "When did you become such a jerk." (My response, "When I decided that I was a jerk"). She also said "You haven't paid any attention to me in the last two weeks." Now, you can see from my posts that I have. In fact, i have offered support, kindness, and love but I have not been available for argument and R talk. My response to this attack was, "you asked for space and I have respected that." She broke off this line of attack immediately. But apparently she has noticed a change in my behavior and this is an important step. This is progress in the right direction regardless of the outcome.
You know, I am trying to avoid reacting to her comments. If having workmen show up was truly a problem, TS. If her having to take the garbage out one out of fifty times is a problem, TS.(Our garbage day recently changed and I simply forgot.) Any reaction would be taken as further proof that I am a bad actor. Simply saying, "Sorry, I forgot." gives her nowhere to go. I mean, she can say to herself "He always does X." "He never does Y." I can't prevent that but I can refuse to participate in it or fuel it.
Yes, she is revising our history. Much of how we percieve the past is determined by our present focus. This is not new. I have challendged her on this frequently. She is viewing me in a negative light to justify her own behaviors alay guilt and avoid personal responsibility.
