Pls help--confused and fearful

[P17]

I know I need to avoid thinking of why H is not contacting me but it is so hard!

He isn't contacting you likely for the reasons newmama mentioned. He also could be trying to show he isn't hurt, guilty or upset just like you are trying to show him. He could also be not contacting you as he has replaced you in his head (sorry I know that hurts but it maybe true). But he CANNOT, or at least I believe he cannot, replace you in his heart for the time being or as his kids mother. The OW will never have that over him.

To me it doesn't feel like a test. I don't feel there could be any love for me left at all from him. I do feel replaced and forgotten. I don't feel I am in control of this sitch at all. He couldn't care less about me in NC.

You are completely in control of this situation. You have his kids there (and I don't mean using them as a pawn, I mean they are with you and he has to contact you when he sees them). You are not contacting him. He is contacting you, or at least will do.

He is waiting to see if you contact him about the kids 'offering' dates here and there. Don't do it. Let him come to you and ask about dates. Again I am not suggesting you use the kids as a pawn (as I fought for 7 years to see my D because she was being used as a pawn) but DO NOT chase him. He is a big boy. If he wants to see his kids, he'll come to you and talk about it.

And by the way, it always looks like the WAS couldn't care less about us in NC. Maybe it's true for some. Maybe it's not for others. NC isn't there for them. It's for us. What they do is irrelevant and I know that is a lot easier to say than actually do / feel. However you need to move on with your life without him. When he sees that he will panic and he will either follow or he will let you go. However, you still need to do it either way.

You will be okay with or without him. Keep telling yourself that.