Quote: I am always amazed when I hear people talking about setting boundaries. You seem to be doing the same thing that I see most people do regarding boundaries. You are trying to make a boundary that is easy on you and still keep your self respect.
However.. You are dancing all around the only boundary that is staring you in the face that needs to be addressed. That boundary is HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. THAT is the boundary. That is what you need to address. That is the boundary that will gain back your self respect and help him to respect you. You can try and make boundaries on other issues all day long, but until you get to the meat of the issue then you are just wasting time. If you were wanting a boundary from keeping your dog to leave the yard would you first try to set a boundary on stopping the dog from barking??? Wouldn't it make more sense to put up a fence? The barking has nothing to do with the dog gettng out of the yard. The FENCE is the boundary that is the correct answer, not the boundary on stopping him from barking.
The TRUE boundary here is this... "I have done some thinking and this is what I have decided. I think it is best that YOU move out. The sooner the better. I will not live in a marriage like this. I will not live with a man who is having an affair. I wasn't a perfect wife, but I now realize that I have tolerated you having an affair and I will not do that anymore. I want you to find another place and be out of here by________"(give him a week or two)...
Now, THAT is a boundary. THAT will get your self respect back. You are focused on trying to set boundaries that miss the mark. The boundary IS NO AFFAIRS. There is nothing else to talk about. If that is what he chooses, so be it. You will not be a party to it. Then let him go and let him see that you are moving on without him. He wants to be friend then? Let HIM try to be YOUR friend. You can be friendly, but trying to be a friend with a spouse in an affair is nothing more than pursuit and weakness. They sense that. (which you admit he basically said of you) He can't respect you until you SHOW him how tough you are and that a third person is not an option for you. THAT is the boundary. Stop being wishy washy about boundaries. Get right to the real boundary here.
I would phrase the boundary like this:
"wife, I have decided I won't share you with another man. If you continue to spend time and energy away from this marriage then I will ask you to leave. I will not tolerate an affair and I will ask you to be gone in __________ if you continue to have contact with OM."
You can't waver on this. It's strong and honorable. It's all about her choices. It's you having self-respect.
Do some homework on what attracts a woman to a man and why boundaries work in healthy relationships before you respond.
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
