Question

[awest1217]

Had a sad night last night after H left. I really enjoy more and more spending time with him and I really miss him again when he is gone. Plus there are some things from last night that make me wonder again if he is playing me about wanting to come home. Either way I know I shouldn't have but I text H and said that I really missed him and just wanted to let him know he was missed and loved. I thought it is good sometimes to remind him that I do love him and do miss him. I am a very independent person, which was one of our problems before, and I think because S and I have so much going on it seems like I am content with everything and don't miss H. I also think with my defenses up a lot subconsciencely I put off a vibe that I don't need or want him. I was worried about sending it because I knew it could lead to disappointment, but I knew last night I probably wouldn't get a response. I just needed to let him know I was still here waiting.

This morning he sent me a text that said Thank you for the message. It isn't anything awesome, but I believe he saw it for what it was. Not being judgemental or hurting, but really saying "hey I am still here and still want you back". I think it helped.

The only thing I am really struggling with is our looming anniversary. I just don't know what I will do with myself that day if H does absolutely nothing at all. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst, but it is so hard to do. I just think it would be such a slap in the face to let it just go by. I do have a something for him, which I will drop off the morning after if he doesn't do anything on our anniversary (I am trying to let him have this one). I am planning on coming to work as always, but I want to look really good to help boost myself. It is the Christmas carry-in so that will help. At night I will have church, so that will help as well, and I might take S out to a really nice dinner if H does not come through. It will be for me, but I will need something.

Trying not to focus on it too much right now, but it is only 2 weeks away, not months anymore. Hopefully I can get refocused and make it through the next few days. Then Christmas cookies! Then next week is another week...