Hoooooooooooooooosier... I haven't posted to you in a long time but wanted to send you out a hug.
I think that what OT is trying to say is that is seems as though you are stuck somewhere...
you had a marriage that, you admitted, was very one-sided and you have stated that you feel as though he was always very selfisha nd narcissistic (sp?) and a job that had loved but with people who seem a might bit hypocritical
You have grieved very long for some things that perhaps weren't all they were cracked up to be. I understand this I did this too, as we all probably have done
the problem I see is that you seem to be grieving for something you wish you had had instead of what you actually had. In doing this you are downplaying anything good that might be coming your way
it's like an eeyore attitude...you know the "it's OK...my life sucks but don't worry about me...I'm making it through" kind of feeling that is being projected.
When youhave this, it stops you from noticing all the potential about the new stuff that has HAD to happen in your life
you aren't in the ministry profession anymore but you do have a job at the school...you can't compare the two because they are so different apples to oranges but just because you had apples for 20 years doesn't mean oranges aren't delicious...instead of mourning the apples indefinately, try enjoying the oranges...nope, they aren't apples that's for sure...they aren't crunchy with beautiful red outsides and crisp insides...oranges are softer and juicier and have some tang.
besides...every apple you ate in those 20 years wasn't a perfectly delectable honeycrisp or zeststar...some were mushy and you had to cut the rotten parts off...some were windfalls and some weren't even fit for eating and you had to throw them away...don't glamorize the apples. Some were delicious but all weren't and just because they were doesn't mean the oranges can't be
it does suck to see our kids have to deal with this stuff but a great way to help them is to let them know that life can be beautiful even if it is different.
When LSS left, he cleared out all our moneya nd left we with months of bills that I had thought were paid but weren't...thousands of dollars gone....I also lost my job and had 2 little boys that he even took the money from their piggy bank from!!!
We pull through and we can pull through with joy
there are hard and ugly and gross spots that stop us up but if we concentrate on lookingbehind us, mourning all we have lost, we miss the beauty ahead of us
it is a choice a tough one one that requires hard work and training
i used to keep a gratitude journal and those 1st days it was stuff like didn't collapse for more than an hour made it out of bed before noon ate a meal
then it was applied for 50 jobs today prayed thanks instead of asking slept the whole night
now my blessings are so apparent to me that I walk around in thanks everyday...
my life is not how I imagined it my life is not how it was "supposed" to be with my ex
my life is so much more more than I knew to imagine more than I knew to dream
and it isn't all roses there are bumps valleys deep depths
but because I practiced finding joy...I can see the fact that even in those depths there are things to be grateful for
it is that that I hear in Oldtimers posts that looking behind that constant state of mourning the poor me
you believe their emails were tense and curt... you believe you chase people off you post and are hurt that a response isn't forthcoming it is the poor me, nobody likes me, there must be something wrong with me
there is NOTHING wrong with you you are a person whose confidence and security was shattered but that is not all there is of you
there are many other things that you allow to be overshadowed there is the woman who completely changed professions...scary...daunting...hugely stressful BUT YOU did it there is the woman who raises a daughter singlehandedly...hard...tough BUT YOU do it there is the woman who can make food appear from no money...magical...outstanding BUT YOU have done it
there is magic and grace and wonder and excitement and unlimited possibilities in you and for you but only in the forward looks, they are not kept in the backward glances
