This has been an ongoing problem for the last 10 years or so. Ever since child #1 appeared. Her hormones appeared to go completely out of whack at that time - but that's expected, right - its what every new father hears. So I back off for a year or two expecting things to come back into focus eventually.
3 (or 4) years in and its become a real problem. I go down with Major Depression. I go to therapy for this (as well as being on Prozac) almost one of the first thing the therapist says is : 'Are you sure that this is who you want to stay with? You could start again.' The therapist suggests that we both go in, once we do some sensate focus. The sf is great but my wife won't complete the task - you're supposed to take turns. Then comes the both seeing the therapist together point - my wife is so alarmed at this that we start having sex again and for a short time things go relatively well. When we first got together we used to take turns rubbing shoulders but since year 1 its just been me giving the backrubs and footrubs on a daily basis.
I then get a different job - my old one comes suddenly to an end - and unfortunately I have to spend the weekdays down there until we can sell and move. Eventually we do move and our sex life limps along - once a month at max.
Our second child comes along and things are relatively ok - we're clinging on. Work gets more and more intense and the boss really doesn't like having someone with a family around. Hours get longer and night callouts get more frequent.
Then my wife gets a sudden burst of pain - shes got gallstones. After a few months its clear that the pain from this hits mainly at night, most nights, leaving her tired. She needs the op - but they won't operate until a significant amount of weight is lost or the condition deteriorates.
Our sex life drops again and depression hits again - eventually I have a full on nervous breakdown. I lose my job - or rather I'm pressured to resign - its clear the company prefers to keep its overheads(staff) low and when they crack they move on. Wonderful.
The prozac helps a lot less this time - it does reduce my sex drive but also prevents any release from masturbation by preventing orgasm. It also makes me definately feel like someone else is has taken over and its not a pleasant feeling.
And so on it goes. At some point during all this I read Mars & Venus. It suddenly became clear that although I was doing a lot round the house I wasn't doing enough. Eureka! So I start doing a lot more, more housework, more cooking, more washing, getting the kids to school etc. Difference: Zero.
I then discovered the Sex Starved Marriage. For the first 90% of the book it seemed that this could be fixed. Then I read the last chapter and sobbed. The next day we have The Talk. For the next few months things are slightly better - we have sex monthly (yes a huge increase!) then it drops to nothing again while the kids are off on the summer holidays. Then it never picks up again.
Over this period I discover the No More Mr Nice Guy book. Its horribly clear that this is what I am to a largish degree.
Last week we had the second talk. She agreed that she needed to get back into the swing of things and last week we did have great sex. She really enjoys sex when we have it. Since the talk we've done it twice. So what's wrong? This weeks session should be coming up but she seems oblivious to it. I've been pushed to the bottom of the priority list. I half suspect that when I said that we needed to go to Relate she suggested this because 'that's what they would tell us to do'.
I love my wife deeply - we get on well, she works hard on the house and the kids. We're a great match in all possible ways.
Over the years I've been so run down by constant rejection I'm almost afraid to just ask.
I feel as if I'm fighting to save our marriage and she's not doing anything to help. I can feel the walls closing in on us and I'm not going to spend the next few years trying to save something if the other person doesn't help.
The last few months have seen a lot of the local friends relationships breakdown. Who knows why but every week there seems to be a lot recently.
My mother was very domineering - more so with me than with my siblings. Perhaps because I was the only one left or perhaps because she saw them making mistakes but she wasn't the most pleasant person. My parents stayed together until last year when she died.
My wifes parents split when she was 19 - my fear is that she is replicating her parents marriage. They absolutely hated each other - pretty much from day 1 - god only knows how they got married in the first place. Her father was very nosy and domineering - he went through the private mail etc.
