@Coach: She didn't really tell you how you should feel did she? Call her immediately on that BS if she did.
@TrentC: ..seriously? That was the essence of the conversation?
@aliveandkicking: 2x4- WTF are you doing spending that much time taking to her when you are so cognizant that she is irrational. THAT is the boundary violation and you're cosigning, why?
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You know, at the end of the day I just don't have the energy for this right now. It was easier to just let her go and get whatever it is out of her system that she wanted to get out. It's not like I was going to convince her of my POV, right? She knew what she was doing, she knew it was a boundary violation (though she complained about it in reverse), and for whatever reason -- angst, anger, pure cussedness -- she wanted to make me hear it.
Okay, fine. I can watch teevee and listen with half-an-ear and murmur the occasional "uh-huh" and "I hear you say" and "when you're right you're right."
A colleague who's been there and done that just suggests I treat her like I would treat any other patient from Bellevue and smile and tolerate and nod and not provoke.
If she doesn't know what my POV is now, she's never going to know.
She went to an IC appointment this evening -- her first "real" counseling session -- so no point in rocking the boat now. We'll see if this helps her level out and come to grips with the fact that I get to determine my feelings and evaluations and understandings within the context of the divorce, whether she likes them or not.
No more man-to-man; I'm switching to zone.
Don't hate me for this, but I still don't totally get the "why" as far as the amount of time you indulge her behavior...you think she'll purge it all out somehow?
How long would you spend with a patient from Bellevue?
The first bold is just too hard to read...I can't stand the idea that she either a) made you hear it or b) thinks she made you hear it. Yuck.
However, if you've got an agenda, a goal, some path you're on with this that I'm not getting, forgive me for not catching it. I would love to understand. Of course, I'm here to help, so if I'm not helping then I wont push it.
You're a good woman, @aliveandkicking, even if you do keep indecent hours (he said, answering half-an-hour later).
Agenda...goal...path?
Energy conservation. I'm tapped out. Themselves are draining it; the holidays are really bringing it out. Work, work, work -- I'm 8 months behind schedule and fall a month further behind with every passing day. At present, resistance is futile. I am like Finland. I will retain my political autonomy but bow to the superior firepower of the Soviet Union.
Is it Walkaway spew? Script? Deliberate cruelty? Mid-life Crisis? Pod personhood? Narcissism?
Yes, no, maybe so. Doesn't matter. If I can create some breathing room for myself, where I don't have to confront these emails and texts demanding that I attend, that I redirect energy, then I'll create it. This isn't for her sake, the gods know it isn't for "our" sake -- a truly preposterous notion -- it's for MY sake. I just don't have the time or energy, and if letting her wind up and wind down allows me the luxury of my own energy, then it's a fair trade.
Will it always be so? Uncertain. Unclear. If it proves to be a losing proposition, I'll go back on the offensive. Even Patton had to take a battle pause to get more fuel.
You said something about me getting pissed and that's why you listened to her for 90 minutes????????? I suspect that's not why you did listen to her for that long but it sure isnt what I would do in your shoes...
I only said, stop being a smartass and react on reflexes and use your words as you sword, I didnt say become a masochist!!
Anyway, some serious detachement where there are no strong emotions of any kind involved would do you good. Unfortunately, IMO, that comes only with time.
When you are drained and tired, things slow down, you could really start enjoying the scenery, you know... Just sit back and relax. K
A colleague who's been there and done that just suggests I treat her like I would treat any other patient from Bellevue and smile and tolerate and nod and not provoke.
Might not be a bad way to look at it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Energy conservation. I'm tapped out. Themselves are draining it; the holidays are really bringing it out. Work, work, work --
Dude, X-MrsSP is sucking the air out of the room and you are letting her. Empowering yourself gives you mental and emotional energy. Don't conserve water but manage your sweat.
Once a mojoer always a mojoer.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You're a good woman, @aliveandkicking, even if you do keep indecent hours (he said, answering half-an-hour later).
Agenda...goal...path?
Energy conservation. I'm tapped out. Themselves are draining it; the holidays are really bringing it out. Work, work, work -- I'm 8 months behind schedule and fall a month further behind with every passing day. At present, resistance is futile. I am like Finland. I will retain my political autonomy but bow to the superior firepower of the Soviet Union.
Is it Walkaway spew? Script? Deliberate cruelty? Mid-life Crisis? Pod personhood? Narcissism?
Yes, no, maybe so. Doesn't matter. If I can create some breathing room for myself, where I don't have to confront these emails and texts demanding that I attend, that I redirect energy, then I'll create it. This isn't for her sake, the gods know it isn't for "our" sake -- a truly preposterous notion -- it's for MY sake. I just don't have the time or energy, and if letting her wind up and wind down allows me the luxury of my own energy, then it's a fair trade.
Will it always be so? Uncertain. Unclear. If it proves to be a losing proposition, I'll go back on the offensive. Even Patton had to take a battle pause to get more fuel.
Nothing about this explains spending 90 minutes with the patient from Bellevue. How much energy does it take to say, "I heard you, I get it, I gotta go?"
Take the flippin "battle pause," that's what we're all saying but homechick likes to spar, probably her favorite hobby, so if you think the reprieve will come from her end, don't hold your breath. You must be the retainer of your own sanity and your own air time.
Oh, as for my ridiculous hours, it is inspired insomnia...quite a cruel gift to feel wonderful and energized at 2am when I have to wake up at 6:30. But, you know, don't wanna look a gift horse....
Ninety minutes on a phone call? Y'all are like kids, bad attention is better than none at all.
All this crap IS emotionally draining. Keeping consistent boundaries makes life healthier. Do you want to know the secret on how to get off the phone gracefully? Two words.. perhaps with an interjection.
"Oops.. gotta go."
And you know when to say it. If not by the first, second or third gut twinge, definitely by the ninth. People invariably say, "Okay." And you hang up. I'd do that when the former spouse would be insulting me on the phone. "Oops, gotta go." The phone call would end.
Then again.. you just may be a glutton for punishment since I seem to yellberate speak forcefully to you too. That Lotus is one perceptive clever person.
A few minutes of active conversation are better than hours of "uh huh...mmm...yes dear." __
Re: Your reference to Finland. I lived there for a year and met a few old timers who lived through that time. Don't give the impression the Finns let the Russians just roll on in. They were outnumbered and outgunned but they fought like mf'ers, used every dirty guerilla trick in the book, starved, froze, and held 'em off as long as they could.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
To me it's quite simple. Listen and pretend to give a sh*t or keep dealing with demands that I listen. A pretty easy choice.
And what was the outcome?
The Girl Child had a pretty rough time of it the day before I left on the Great European Getaway II, so much so that I had to call WAW and have her weigh in on the convo with Girl Child. We both decided that WAW would come to the house that night to put Girl Child to bed.
After bedtime, I asked WAW if she wanted some food. I cook, she doesn't, and I knew it would be a stop at McD's en route to WAW Central HQ. She accepted, we sat at the kitchen table, she ate some homemade soup, I gave her some coffee and a slice of pie, we talked, it was no problem.
She mentioned how surprised she still is at how well I manage things -- I always thought you were unable to step up and take care of business, boy was I wrong.
She recognized the unreasonableness of her demand that I call her to get bitched out about not calling and speaking -- that was really nice of you to just listen like that, and I want you to know both that I appreciate it and I understand your POV that it was unreasonable of me to expect you to.
She admitted how bad she feels about the PA with Signore -- that was pretty sh*tty, and I understand your feelings and why you're angry with me.
She acknowledged her jealousy over Miss Someone -- I know I wanted the D and I left, but it still bothers me that you could have that connection with another woman because it makes me wonder if I wasn't seeing you the right way.
She expressed her gratitude that I was willing to hear her out and speak to her -- I really do understand now just how angry and hurt you are, so I don't want to take it for granted, so just know that I appreciate you going outside your comfort zone.
The next day I packed my bag and flew to European Country for 5 splendidly romantic days and nights with Miss Someone. All-in-all, not a bad payoff for an hour-and-half of half-listened-to spew and an episode of "House" on the TeeVoh.
