Checking my posts, it's been a couple days under 8 months since I posted last.
We last found our intrepid hero one month under his belt since seeing the judge and closing on the new house, bar-hopping every weekend, working two jobs with the longer term one ending in 3 weeks and still having the kids full-time.
Since then, it worked out best for the new house to sit empty for 3 months, we got moved, the kids started spending every other week with their mom, the new job is pretty good and I've grown bunches and bunches.
No, I did not come back to gloat. I came back seeking wisdom. Without writing a novel, I must still include the back story.
Most of my life was spent looking to others for approval and validation and the biggest dose came from the ex. I grew and when self-respect gained ascendancy, I filed for divorce unwilling to continue trying in the face of her assertion we were getting divorced and the two guys she was dating. I'll not say that I've fully arrived at the place I desire, having a strong consciously chosen internally validated identity, but I feel that I'm well on my way.
In the past, I tried to avoid the pain and I used violent and self-destructive mental imagery to quiet it. Eventually, I realized avoiding it wasn't working and instead embraced that self-same pain. Understand, I was never suicidal, it was a coping mechanism.
Here then is the rut. Most of the time, my life is pretty good. Sometimes, I notice and ponder the desire for intimacy and connection and my current lack of same, and at an intellectual level it's not a big deal. However, with some regularity, perhaps on average 3-4 times a week, I'm reminded of my desire and lack at an emotional level. I'm lonely and it hurts. What follows is the problem. What follows the hurt is a violent self-destructive condemning rage directed at myself for wanting, for being so weak as to want.
I struggling trying to figure out what's going on. I'm not dating by choice as I don't feel like I'm ready and frankly, this is a big part of that. At times I get the feeling that it's a subconscious dodge or diversionary tactic in an attempt to avoid some growth or change. Other times I wonder if I'm confusing a healthy desire with the way that desire was previously bound up in the search for validation and approval.
