I had a very difficult, trying day yesterday (Tuesday). It began with S8 having another one of his feet-dragging episodes, where he allows every little thing to distract him -- and by extension his little brother as well -- into being perpetually late.
Many of you can relate.
Fortunately, S8 has gotten a lot better in the last few months, but not entirely. Yesterday, however, was one of the worst -- I won't go into the details, but we ended up more than 45 minutes late -- and S8 missed the bus. xW was calling and leaving voicemails. When we finally got to the xMIL's place to drop off S5, xW was there waiting.
I was going to make S8 walk from there to his school (a little less than a mile), so as to make him finally face the natural consequences of his poor decisions. But xW and the xMIL both objected to that. I had to quickly relent when xMIL started to take S8 to school herself. I drove S8 to his school -- but when I got there I, I stopped at the edge of the school grounds and had S8 walk in from there (I gave him a warning that if there was ever a next time he would he would be walking a lot further.)
Then that afternoon, when it came time to pick both of my S's from the xMIL's place after school, xW was again there spending time with them. xW has frequently taken advantage of having her mother as the daycare provider to get in extra time with our S's during my weeks. I wouldn't mind this so much except that it often causes major disruptions to S8's and S4's routine and their expectations. This time, the minute I came to the door, S5 immediately began to beg/demand that he get to stay with his mother that night. xW feigned this surprised look and said that it was up to his daddy (me) to decide whether or not he could stay or not. So having worked on S5 and having succeeded in coercing him to spend one of my nights with her, xW wanted me to play the bad guy in denying S5's plea.
Usually, I have acquiesced when S5 made such pleas, but for once I put my foot down. The schedule is the schedule, and the children do not get to make the decisions about custody. That cuts both ways. So, I said no.
S5 had a complete meltdown, but again I decided to hold my ground -- to be the parent. Despite his fitful tantrum, I gathered up S5 and loaded him in my car.
As I fully expected, I soon received a biting email from xW about how I was treating our S's. First, she said she hoped I had (better) watched over S8's walk to his school building -- which I had. But I didn't need her to tell me to do that. (In fact, what none of them realized, is that if I had gotten my way in making S8 walk the entire distance from MIL to his school, I would have covertly tailed him the entire way in my car just to make sure he got there safe and on time.) xW also said that she considers it my responsibility to get our kids up and to get to school on time.
Second, she had to comment about S5 and how five year olds "need their mommy".
I replied to her that coddling our S's might very well be the easier path to take, but also highly irresponsible. It is the direct responsibility of a school-age child to get up in the morning and to get themselves ready for school, not the parent (except indirectly). Children need the guidance of their parents, not a human alarm clock and cattle-prod.
(Here, as elsewhere, I am taking my cues from the writings and advice of noted experts like Dr. James Dobson and Dr. Kevin Leman. In particular, I am instituting Reality Discipline in raising my S's.)
The ex's view is that my approach to handling our kids ranges from "negligent to abusive". She said, "You feel that loving your kids is coddling." And for that she says she now "regrets" agreeing to 50/50 shared custody.
The gist is that exW wants to baby both of our S's, and at the same time try to claim that as being more "loving". All the while insinuating her repeated claims that I lack empathy.
I disagree. I believe it takes a lot more effort to not coddle one's own children, but to have enough love for them to teach them discipline. This is not easy for me either. I do not like having my kids go through the pain of consequences, but for them to live and grow up healthy, it is far better they learn it now.
So I commented to xW that she continues to to exhibit an immature, selfish view of what constitutes love.
...
Today, however, was perfectly fine and in stark contrast to the day before. S8 had no serious problems being on time. And S5 did not try to ask to go be with his mother (thankfully, I beat her to her mother's this time.)
