Now more than ever!

[courts0818]

Wowzers - I just read through all of the posts.

Mr. Wonderful...I am a woman and I know you are interetsed in hearing from us. I'll be honest, I don't feel all that comfortable offering advice, but this time I do have some thoughts to share.

First, it's true - a woman needs to respect the man she loves. A man that is clingy, insecure and doesn't stand up for himself is not a very attractive man. On the other hand, a man who is confident, poised and assertive is a man that grabs our attention and the one that we are much more likely to admire and be attracted to.

In my situation, I have experienced the very same emotions that you have. I have been in the same modes you call "pursuit and please mode" and "resentful/angry mode." Are you ready for the sad/pathetic news? I have been in the same miserable place for 13 months - actually we're going on 14 months (since we've been separated, meaning he's been out of our house).

My H made the choice to move out. When he moved out I knew nothing of OP. I was told he wasn't happy, I didn't have what it took to make him happy, he's been unhappy for a long time and ILYBINILWY - then poof he was gone.

I'm really afraid if you don't take the advice you are getting here and enforce the boundaries - you are going to find yourself waiting and waiting and waiting like I have. And let me tell you it SUCKS! You don't want to be in my position.

Your wife is doing what my H is doing - cake eating! It's sick. And the fact that she is actually asking you for money to grow her business is ridiculous, at least in IMHO. What if she plans to grow that business, get rid of you and then share the success with OM? Don't allow that to happen. If you were in a healthy, respectful marriage of course you should help, but not right now.

Please listen to the advice you are getting here - you are being way too naive and passive. Others can see your sitch from a much clearer perspective bc they have no emotional attachment.

It is great that you can stay calm and collected, but you have to be calm, collected AND assertive. She is not going to take you serious if you are timid, fearful or hesistant and she is not going to respect you.

I'm all for working on yourself and becoming happy on your own. In fact, I just got to that place in my own situation.

But, that doesn't mean you should sit back and just hope your wife makes the right choice. Don't wait for her to find some morals and values - cause in my experience - it ain't gonna happen. Um...I'm still waiting for my H to make the right choice. Remember how long I've been waiting?

She needs to see a major change in your attitude. You need to assertively set some ground rules and boundaries and she needs to feel the consequeneces if she breaks them.

Make a choice - I know you love her and don't want to lose her. You said you wouldn't leave, but how about the option of her getting the heck out of the house if she's not going to respect you or your vows?

The problem is that she knows you are going to put up with it - you said you won't leave and she knows that - so why would she change? Why would she stop seeing him? In her eyes, she has the best of both worlds.

Please don't be so passive that you allow things to go on for as long as I have. Learn from my dumb mistakes. If you live in fear of losing her, chances are you will never win back her love and respect.

Just my opinion...