DanceQueen, you make good sense, but I have to explain a little more. I don't think in terms of who's at fault, or to blame. The only thing that matters for this discussion is what can I do in this relationship. And some of the things you suggest sound good. I have already discussed divorce with my wife, I have already suggested taking a lover and having an open relationship, I have discussed that I want to date other women, but that was all a few years back at this point. At the time, she said she needed more time, and that she would "consider" what I had suggested. But nothing has changed in this regard, though she has certainly made a lot of personal progress in her other career and avocation goals, not to mention family projects and other efforts which mean a lot to her personally, to her credit. So this might be a good time to bring it up again.
But what's difficult is that there is little that I have not already said before. Except that she called my bluff on divorce, for example. So I have to suggest divorce again, and this time really mean it. And explain why. And my difficulty is I absolutely hate that kind of conversation with someone I love, sex or no sex. She ends up feeling like she's being taken to the woodshed, and so on. There is no good way to have that discussion, and it's ended with nothing but bad feelings all around.
If my wife were someone I could talk openly and frankly with about these issues, I think I would have resolved these problems one way or the other long ago.
When I continually brought these issues up before, she got to the point where she said she feels she "can't be safe with me". Something having to do with past abuse, perhaps. And at that point she would immediately leave the room on the first few words where she could sense I was going to talk about this. I couldn't follow her and demand a discussion, because then she'd get hysterical, and sometimes just leave in the car and stay out until late at night. That was some years ago, but I think her response would still be the same now if I pressed it. It was a shocking stonewalling that left me no options other than to just make my own decisions without her consent, disagreement, approval, or anything simply because the would refuse to talk about it, no matter how much pressure I put on her to do so. And dressing it up and sneaking it into a discussion didn't work either -- it just made her even more on guard to avoid situations where she would even spend time with me doing other things, lest I bring it up.
But at this point, and maybe for the first time, we have a pretty good buffer of time since any of those incidents. She certainly feels safer around me now. But I think part of that is because I haven't brought up these issues.
Having to explain all this makes me realize how "out of the norm" my marriage is. When I read suggestions like yours, I learn more about what other women are like in the sense that I have to assume the suggestions would work for other women. Kind of reminds me of a time when a friend suggested that my problem was that I needed to give my wife more foreplay and clitoral stimulation. OK, I said, there's just one problem with that -- she doesn't want any of that and furthermore, won't even let me. "Huh? Really? Wow, you have a problem." So, sad to say, from his comment I learned more about what other women need, not my wife.
When I was first trying to deal with all this, it was really deflating to realize that things were so out of kilter that normal advice for normal problems didn't even apply in my marriage. My god, man, if lack of foreplay and clitoral stimulation was my only problem, I'd be on those right away and the problem would be fixed tonight!!!
