Its been a long time since I last posted and to say the least my last post was certainly another bombshell. So it's more than due time for an update right...
First, let me preface my post to say, Lord, I have no clue what I'm doing but just going with the flow, minimizing the stress in my life and just living for me. I so cannot be bothered with my H and ow's bullcrap and the stupid decisions they make for their lives.
So, H and I have actually made progress in this whole big crazy mess... since finding out that ow was yep pregnant again, I really was at first thinking just forget it. As you know H and I were working things out and trying to move forward but he didn't really know how to tell me this. So after all this he actually begged and begged that he doesn't want the marriage to end and he knows its all his fault. We talked a lot for the past couple of weeks, went away a weekend to figure things out. And then it dawned on me that even though I know the world would tell me to just move on... gosh, I probably would have told someone that as well, I just felt like I gotta live for Vickyd. I just can't make decisions for my life based on decisions ow has made for hers. Good golly, I think I'm becoming as selfish as these other women and other men in our sitches. Anyway, so I decided to make a go again at my marriage by just going with the flow and see where it leads. I'm scared scared as ever. I actually do see some changes in H, he been more open, and we have talked about being a team to deal with this.
H moved back home becasue basically I said that if he wants us to work on the marriage I just can't do that with us living apart. I didn't get married to live like that. I pretty much had to go dark and told him that I just can't continue living like this and he caved in and said he agreed. It was a great boundary setting practice for me, I didn't agrue or force the subject... I said we can continue to live apart but this is not what I want to me and I have enjoyed our time together lately (we've actually been enjoying each other's company) but I cannot go on in the marriage like this. I'm trying to really work hard on giving him teh message that he needs my support on this and the only way I can support him is if he does his part of the deal by being true to our marriage. The thing is H totally went to this ow because she was poor and needed him while he thinks I don't need him for anything. Then the funny thing is that ow is a bit too needy and the life that H would have with her he doesn't want for himself. He also knows that he would have no one else's support on this so he really wants and needs my support on this. I decided as hard as it will be, I want to deal with this with him as a team which is hugely different from what we did before. I think H and I had become enemies instead of allies and right now I just want to be his ally. I think throughout of R when times were good, I was the only one that believed in him, even more so than his family, adn since I this I stopped believing in him too, so my goal is to keep supporting him and being there. I refuse to have the existence of these kids be a source of contention for us. Not to say we won't have fights or disagreements at times, but I don't want to go back to being enemies like we were before.
So, to say the least, I hope I haven't painted a picture like I know what I'm doing or what I'm getting myself into becasue I don't!!! This will be totally hard and everything on the surface tells me to just walk. But I can't. But the good thing is that I'm really quite find about all this. I was reading a boundaries book and one of the things that stuck with me is that out of control people continue because other people often take on the consequences for the out of control person's behavior. And I just don't want to bring myself down by taking on teh worries of H and ow. They are the ones who have to deal with taking care of this other child and figuring out finances etc. I just gotta protect myself in certain aspects. That is just not my life and how I would want to have kids so I just can't be bothered.
H and I are going to Retroville in a few weeks so hope that gives us some useful tools as well.
Anyway, that's my update for now. Wish me luck and please pray for me because Heaven knows I will need it.
