what i have done is basically not answer the phone with 1st call, been cheery(and meant it!), listened and only offered anything when he asked my opinion, kept everything short and sweet but did show interest...sincerly
NOPE. Classic mistake.
Your husband is treating you like CRAP and you are allowing it. Not only that, you THEN are trying to act all happy and cheerful, trying to be SUCH a great listener by showing interest etc. etc..
THAT isn't what works on men like your husband...
You are doing the correct things such as not calling him, ending the conversation first, not asking him about dinner or coming home.
Your mistake is in the "being cheery" to him when you answer the phone...
The "cheery" part should come across to him more like you are cheery BECAUSE you want to get OFF the phone from him. That you are cheery because you are done whining and crying and pursuing a man who treats you like crap.
You will also have a better chance for him to change his course if you act NOT INTERESTED in what he says and more "in your own world and in a hurry to get OFF the phone because you have LOST interest in HIM...
He needs to feel as if he may have LOST you. You are trying to come across as being distant on one hand and then when he calls you sound like a giddy high school girl who has just heard from her boyfriend.....
You don't act mean to him. You need to act distant. You need to be sounding like you are cutting him short on the phone calls because you have LOST interest.
There is a big difference in acting cheery to hear from him and cheery because you are getting him to wonder WHY you are so cheery to get OFF the phone and don't seem so interested in him anymore.
You want him to be asking this in his mind.. "Why is she cutting me off so quickly and seems so uninterested in me anymore and sounds like she is happy to get OFF of the phone? What is making her so happy and making her cut me off? Is there someone else? Have I gone too far? Am I losing her?"
Get it? Once he starts doing that type of self talk means that you already have moved him from "she is pressuring and pursuing me".. to... "what have I done?"
All this because of YOUR new way of responding to him.... Change his self talk and you change the dynamics.... You change his self talk by letting him WONDER if YOU have had enough and letting him wonder why you aren't so interested in how great he is and how much you need a man who treats you like crap... etc. etc.
You can NOT allow a man to treat you like this one is and then think he is going to fall back in love with you by being a doormat. Doormats are for walking on.
Hi Lost. Sorry you find yourself here, but keep posting and every day you will get stronger.
My two cents - take this time to work on yourself. Get fit inside and out, try new things, take risks. One suggestion my C had was to say yes to all invitations (like the movie Yes Man). Gets you out there, trying some new things and your mind off of your sitch. Also shows H that you're going on with life, and intend to make it a good life.
I re posted this in hope of getting more help. i am having a VERY hard time...
i am grasping the no contact thing. seems to not matter much today is day six...
its his mood swings and anger that are ripping me apart.
our daughter has staples in her head that need to come out today...he calls this morning and asks me what time tomorrow? i told him that it was today and he starts screaming...i hung up.
what can i do? i really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place...
i dont want to make him angrier...i know memory plays a part in this
its all about him...i get that too
what i dont get right now is him saying he is doing all he can to make us happy... by not being here? by screaming at me? by not doing hardly anything with our girls anymore???
how to let him see what he is REALLY doing??? i know ...probably no way to do that...aaaarrrggggg!!!!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
i told him that it was today and he starts screaming...i hung up.
You are not responsible for him screaming or being angry.
Originally Posted By: lost1234
i dont want to make him angrier...how to let him see what he is REALLY doing???
You are not making him angry unless you were laying into him about something. Also, he knows exactly what he's doing. You cannot "make him" anything. Lay low, be calm and cool. He reminds me of my H.
ok cutter...i am in need of a bog sounding board...maybe if i stop holding this all to myself, i can get past it...
so he calls back after he calms down he will meet us at dr. office.he hasnt seen the girls in 4 days...im making their favorite dinner. ask him if he would like to join us ( i know i shouldnt have, this is sooo hard) he says not now i cant...s----- just called im going to install their dishwasher tonight after dr appt.i will stop at the house and drop off the new dishwasher for US and see what all WE need if anything...
what is it with the anger and moos swings????
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
All you need to know and do is to not be around the anger. When he is angry hang up. And stop inviting him over. Stop asking him to do things. He is a walk away with a mlc. Tend to your daughter. Vent here and forget about him for a few days. Ok.
ok...i will set my mind to doing these things!i know it wont be easy...i do get it though.
what gets me is the fact about he hardly sees our girls...i need to get the detachment down b4 i can think about setting boundaries...
come and go when he pleases, or at his convenience. THAT makes me feel like crap too, but i DO want the girls to have time with him...no matter how little
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
