Food, shelter (your share of YOUR home, not financing her to take a 2nd residence), maybe insurance. That's it.
You can add "clothing," if you can delineate it. I damned sure wouldn't be paying for any excursions to They of the Scantily-Clad CBS Fashion Show Last Nite!
Currently, I am paying for all of our home mortgage/insurance, health/dental insurance (COBRA...very expensive), several different loans that we had to take out to get us out past financial binds, her IC visits, all utilities for our house, one of her credit cards that she defaulted on and I made arrangements to pay via autodraft, as well as all food and expenses for anything related to S7.
Once her "allowance" is discontinued, I'll no longer be giving her money for food. I also won't be paying the truck payment or insurance for the vehicle she is driving (still approx. $4000 balance remaining). My paid-off car finally died on me two weeks ago, and I'm driving a borrowed car from my parents.
I guess my point is that I'm still going to be paying MORE than my share of our financial obligations, should they be split down the middle.
She's got a TON of clothes that I've spent a small fortune on over the years. So much that she can't take them all over to her apartment. Her closet is still filled with clothes, but not necessarily all "today's" fashions.
Aaarrgh!!! This is so complicated. I want to do what is "right". I'm not trying to be mean or spiteful...I just can't keep on financially enabling her decision to run away.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I don't have the time to do it for you, but is there a trusted, disinterested 3rd party that you could get to give you an opinion on the line-by-line items? Often, and outsider has a better perspective, and can give you a gut-level "Are you CRAZY? What're you paying THIS for??" opinion.
At a minimum, I'd stop paying on her credit cards (and let her know), and if she has THAT many clothes, I would end all clothing allowance as well. If some are "not all today's fashions" (the poor dear), she can sell them at a consignment shop and use the cash to buy something newer. My daughters do it all the time.
I've got a couple of people that I can talk to about the things I'm paying for, and I'll hit them up for their gut feeling on the line-by-line items.
She could definitely sell a lot of her clothes at a consignment shop. Good idea.
A couple of people have asked me if W would go to MC with me, and I've told them she said she would not. However, I haven't asked her since she moved out, and I'm wondering if I should ask again. Don't think it would do much good, since she doesn't seem interested in working on M, but rather just trying to become more self-sufficient, but some folks think that it would work to my advantage to be able to say that W refused MC.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
What's your financial situation? Would your insurance cover it?
Personally, I wouldn't waste my money MCing while there's still an active affair going on. Most counselors would agree, and even Retrouvaille won't take a couple for one of their weekends if there is still infidelity.
However, if you were doing it for legal/strategic purposes, and you could afford it, then sure.
I'll have to check to see if our insurance covers MC. If not, I certainly don't have the $$ to spend on it. Your right, though...it would be a waste if there's still an active A going on, which I believe is still the case.
I was thinking more along the lines of strategic purposes. I don't believe her answer would be any different than before. However, the fact that she refused could potentially work against her in the future.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Here's my first draft of the letter I'd like to give to W tomorrow. Please advise if I'm missing something or anything could be worded better:
"Per our discussion this morning (12/2/09), I am discontinuing the temporary weekly financial support that I've been providing you. The last check in the amount of $XXX will be given to you on January 1, 2010.
I will pay your December truck payment and insurance. Beginning January, you agree to take over the truck payments of $XXX a month, payable to me by the 26th of each month. We will arrange for a separate insurance policy for the truck only, which you will be responsible for paying, starting in January.
The cell phone bill for your cancelled account in the amount of $XXX will be paid by me.
Next week, I will request a Stop Payment on the monthly direct-draft charges for your XXXX credit card. You may wish to contact them to arrange to continue payment, or wait until we meet with a bankruptcy lawyer to advise the best action.
I will continue to meet the family's needs and obligations in regards to health/dental insurance, your counselor's visits, outstanding loans and utilities. I will also continue to provide food, shelter, clothing and other expenses for S7. However, I will not continue to finance a 2nd residence and expenses for you to live apart from our family."
Thoughts, opinions, suggestions?
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Too formal, stilted. See my suggested changes, below.
Originally Posted By: CountingCrows
Here's my first draft of the letter I'd like to give to W tomorrow. Please advise if I'm missing something or anything could be worded better:
"As we talked about this morning (12/2/09), I will no longer be paying the temporary weekly financial support that I've been providing you. I can give you the last check for $XXX will be given to you on January 1, 2010.
I will pay your December truck payment and insurance. Beginning January, you will need to take over the truck payments of $XXX a month, payable to me by the 26th of each month. We will arrange for a separate insurance policy for the truck only, which you will be responsible for paying, starting in January.
I will pay your cell phone bill for your cancelled account in the amount of $XXX will be paid by me.
Next week, I will request a Stop Payment on the monthly direct-draft charges for your XXXX credit card. You may wish to contact them to arrange to continue payment, or wait until we meet with a bankruptcy lawyer to advise the best action.
I will continue to meet the family's needs and obligations in regards to health/dental insurance, your counselor's visits, outstanding loans and utilities, as I've been doing. I will also of course continue to provide food, shelter, clothing and other expenses for S7. However, I will not continue to finance a 2nd residence and expenses, since it is your decision for you to live apart from our family."
